Saturday, December 3, 2011

Book 14: The Unknown

Let's just get this over with
The Summary
Cassie's dad is called out to deal with some wild horses out in some place called the Dry Lands. Apparently one of the horses is acting strange. Cassie and Rachel tag along, and after watching a horse try to dial a phone, they see a Yeerk exiting the horse's brain.

The Animorphs realize that this all has to do with the secret government base, Zone 91, which is basically Area 51 but in California. The Yeerks are trying to figure out what is inside. After being taken in by Zone 91 security, the Animorphs acquire horse morphs and tag along with the horse-Controllers unsuspected because horses herd instinctively.

The Controllers force their way into the inner area of the base, where they see an object that looks impressive. But nobody can figure out what it is. Disappointed, they all leave. The Animorphs watch Visser Three berate the horse-Controllers for their failures. Then Ax reveals that the unknown object is a primitive Andalite toilet. Everyone goes home annoyed.

But then Cassie realizes that the Yeerks are still after some of the high-ranking officers in Zone 91. The Yeerks will infest them while they are at an outing at the Gardens. The Animorphs are there to stop them, and everyone mistakes the aliens running around for a parade.

The Review
Ifi: Why was this written?
Adam: Yes.
Ifi: This is the series that made millions of children cry. HOW did this book happen?
Ifi: HOW DID THIS HAPPEN
Adam: Alright, calm down.

Adam: Okay, so for the cover
Adam: Where is the horse's rear end?
Ifi: idklol
Adam: Cassie is morphing into a bisected horse.
Ifi: Bipedal horse is the best horse obvi
Adam: Bipedal talking horse is the best horse.
Ifi: I like horses
Adam: Do you now?
Adam: So you have the clich├ęd favorite animal trifecta there.
Adam: Dolphins, wolves and horses.
Adam: All Cassie covers, I might add.
Ifi: I guess that means I am Cassie
Adam: Mind=Blown
Ifi: a yup
Ifi: So this cover
Ifi: it is certainly a cover
Adam: I like the choice of green.
Adam: If it helps
Ifi: Green is nice
Adam: This is the blandest conversation we have ever had here.

Adam: Let's get to the plot.
Ifi: I don't want to talk about it
Adam: We must!
Adam: For the good of mankind!
Ifi: Mankind would be bettered if we rounded up every copy of this book and burned them all.
Adam: Calm yourself. There are worse ones than this.

Ifi: Cassie's pants are like an inch too short so Rachel is about to die of horror
Adam: Is this how females think?
Adam: Just out of curiosity
Ifi: I don't think so but now I am not sure.
Adam: But fortunately Cassie manages to get out of going shopping, because her dad has to take her to take care of some crazy lady's horses.
Ifi: For some reason she agrees to let Rachel buy her pants if she comes along.

Ifi: So Crazy Helen lives out in some place called the Dry Lands
Adam: I honestly feel really bad for this woman.
Adam: I mean, she's pretty obviously a Skrit Na abductee, but everyone just treats her like she's nuts.
Adam: Even the people who know aliens exist.
Ifi: That is true, though the Animorphs don't know about the Skrit Na yet
Adam: But they know aliens exist
Adam: So you think they would at least let someone talking about them a little bit more credibility.

"Those darn aliens still won’t let me sleep," she said.

I saw Rachel stiffen. I gave her a wink. In a low whisper I said, "Different aliens."

"They keep sending me the messages through my teeth," Helen said. "They keep on telling me they’re gonna land, right out here. But I haven’t seen a Martian land in forty years. Very untrustworthy. Very, very sneaky, untrustworthy folks."

"Who?" my father asked.

"The Martians, that’s who." Crazy Helen laughed

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown
Ifi: Yes very credible
Adam: Hey, a person has to cope with these things somehow.

My dad and I turned back to look. A scruffy roan horse was swaying from side to side as it walked. Swaying like a drunk.

As we watched, the horse seemed to be attracted to the telephone. It picked up the receiver with its mouth and let it hang off the hook.

And that’s when things got strange. The horse lowered its head to the ground, picked up a twig in its lips, and seemed to be poking the telephone keyboard.

"Am I crazy, or is that horse trying to make a phone call?" Rachel said.

My dad shrugged. "Must be disoriented. Doesn’t know what it’s doing. Come on, let’s get over there."

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown


Adam: There is a horse dialing the phone.
Adam: Must be Tuesday
Ifi: So Cassie's dad figures the horse must have been bit by a snake, which is why it is acting odd
Adam: Interestingly, it turns out later that he is right.
Ifi: He then does what he does best--leaves.
Adam: I do wonder though how this series would have turned out had he not walked away at this exact moment

Suddenly I noticed something happening to the horse’s head. "Look!" I cried. There, crawling its way out of the horse’s left ear, was a slug. A large gray slug.

"Is that what I think it is?" Rachel whispered.

"Yeah. I think so."

The gray slug wormed its way out of the horse’s head. It plopped heavily on the gravel and grass beneath it. And then it started to writhe away.

I’d seen those slugs before. We both had.

"Yeerk," I whispered. "There was a Yeerk in this horse."

The Yeerk crawled into the darkness.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: STEP ON IT
Adam: OR CATCH IT
Adam: OR SOMETHING
Ifi: I like how the Yeerk peaces out and they just watch it go
Adam: "Huh, a Yeerk. Sure don't see that every day."
Ifi: -watches it inch along with mild curiosity until it vanishes into the night-

I MADE THIS FOR YOU
Ifi: Anyway, the idea of Yeerks taking alternate hosts is actually sort of cool
Ifi: (It's cooler when it's sharks but we have to start somewhere)
Adam: Except that horses have no way of manipulating objects, and next to no depth perception.
Ifi: Well yeah a horse is sort of a dumb host
Ifi: At least pick a carnivore
Adam: Carnivorous horse!
Ifi: Not in this genre
Adam: =[
Ifi: Then there is an explosion
Adam: KABOOM
Ifi: But nobody is hurt. Cassie wakes up in Crazy Helen's trailer of crazy
Adam: Her name is Helen, thankyouverymuch.
Adam: She's just a bit fond of the X Files.
Ifi: She is 80 years old she is crazy by definition
Adam: She's 80's old and still running around outside all day. She must be doing something right.

"It was the aliens!" Crazy Helen screamed. "They keep the aliens out at Zone Ninety-one! That’s why it’s all so secret out there. That’s why the Air Force won’t talk about it. Zone Ninety-one is the secret base where the government keeps the aliens it has captured. They have’em out there in cages. They get secrets of technology from them. You think computers just happened? All that stuff was from aliens."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Zone 91 = Area 51 for the purpose of this book
Adam: So the main characters happen to live right in the very city where there is not only an ongoing alien invasion, but a secret government base as well.
Ifi: I
Ifi: I just
Ifi: ARRGHH
Adam: Jesus Whale did it
Adam: He made sure that the Yeerks invade in just this city, just so that the events of this book could happen
Ifi: Like there was no way she could have gotten the cast out to the real Area 51 to make it slightly less dumb?
Adam: No
Adam: This was the only way.
Ifi: okay fine

"You’ve never heard of Zone Ninety-one before? It’s the Holy Grail of conspiracy nuts," Marco said in between slurps of a Mountain Dew. "Man, don’t you ever go on the Internet? The Internet is full of people who think there are aliens at Zone Ninety-one. It’s called the Most Secret Place On Earth."

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown


Ifi: Thank you for that exposition Marco

"I go on the Internet," Rachel said. "I just don’t hang out in chat rooms, call myself 'Studboy,' and try to convince people I’m an incredibly handsome thirty-year-old millionaire."
"Excuse me," Marco said, "but I do not use 'Studboy' as my screen name. Give me some credit. I use BaldwinBoyFive. You know, the missing fifth Baldwin brother. The really cool-looking one."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: ...
Adam: I would honestly have expected Marco to use something like "Sxybbygrrl6969" as his internet handle.
Ifi: let's just move on

Adam: So Cassie and Rachel tell everyone about the horse controllers, and nobody believes them.
Adam: Realizing that is as stupid as it sounds, Cassie decides not to follow through on it, and they go on with what they were doing.
Adam: The end.
Ifi: That was a nice story
Adam: A bit goofy, but at least it was short.
Ifi: Ayup

And then even the cows and sheep were left behind as were the last homes and businesses. Below us the ground was dry, covered with yellowed grass, and marked out by barbed-wire fences.

Tobias said, <Hey. Check out that sign down there. The one by the dirt road.>

I aimed my osprey vision and read:

STOP! GOVERNMENT PROPERTY. RESTRICTED AREA. AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL ONLY BEYOND THIS POINT. ALL OTHERS ARE SUBJECT TO ARREST AND PROSECUTION. THIS MEANS YOU.

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: This is a great idea you guys
Adam: reminds me of:


Ifi: What are you watching the dub for you loser?
Adam: <<  
Adam: Moving on.

Ifi: So they are inside Area 51
Adam: Wait
Adam: We missed an important part
Ifi: Ok?
Adam: Perhaps the most important part of the book
Ifi: Alright...
Adam: So, Rachel gets Cassie a new outfit, and then they go to school to show it off.
Adam: C'mon Ifi, how could you miss this?
Adam: Get it together.
Ifi: Oh yes the bit of filler where Cassie walks around school
Adam: The guys at Cassie's school are the most charming bunch of gentlemen I have ever experienced anywhere.
Ifi: Two of them get her name wrong

Then I spotted a guy named Joe. Joe was a friend of mine from when we both took riding lessons together. He would remember my name.
"Hey, Cassie. Whoa! Whoa! Something different about you." He stepped back and stared at me.
"New outfit?" Rachel suggested.
Joe shook his head. "No, that’s not it. Oh, I know what it is!" He snapped his fingers. "You look like you’ve gained weight! Have you been trying to bulk up?"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Some friend.
Ifi: I would have kicked his skinny butt
Adam: Classy as hell.
Adam: So then Jake comes over and drools over her a bit.
Adam: And then Marco.

"No! No! It can’t be!" Marco’s voice. He sits two rows over. But now he leaped clear over one row of seats and slithered into an empty desk next to mine. He stared at me, wide-eyed with wonder. Way too much wonder. "Who is this vision of loveliness? Who is this fantasy come true? Excuse me, but are you Tyra Banks? No, no, you can’t be any mortal girl. So much perfection could never be achieved by a mere human. You’re an angel descended from heaven! I mean, they say clothes make the man, but these clothes make you an angel."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: ...
Ifi: why
Adam: Okay, I am now shipping Marco/Cassie
Ifi: Yeah you do that
Adam: Will do.
Adam: Rachel paid Marco two bucks to complement Cassie's outfit.
Adam: Because she is a great friend like that.
Ifi: I love it when my friends pay my other friends to embarrass me in front of all my peers
Adam: Don't we all.
Ifi: Now that this VERY IMPORTANT SCENE is out of the way, can we go back to the plot?
Adam: I thought that was the plot.
Ifi: No the plot is worse.
Adam: Do see why I wanted to stick with the fashion thing?
Ifi: -sigh-
Ifi: Let's just get this over with.

Ifi: The Animorphs are derping about in a restricted area
Ifi: when a bunch of soldiers show up
Ifi: OMG SOLDIERS HAVE GUNS
Adam: Yep, so after they demorph, they're basically just lounging around, and they get arrested by a bunch of MIBs.
Ifi: They take themselves very seriously even though Cassie and Marco and Rachel are obviously just regular hooligans
Adam: They need to feel like they are doing something.
Adam: And not sitting around in the middle of nowhere and working for the dumbest man alive

"My name is Captain Torrelli. I am in charge of security for this facility."

We were in a very small, very airless, very brightly lit room. There were no windows. And whenever the door opened you saw a guy in an Air Force uniform.

A tough-looking guy in an Air Force uniform.

A tough-looking guy in an Air Force uniform, cradling a small machine gun.

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: There he is!
Ifi: Man of the hour!
Adam: Let's give him a round of applause, shall we?

"What’s your name, son?"
"Urn...Mulder. Fox Mulder."
"Well, you are in a world of hurt, Fox Mulder. You have violated federal law. You could be thrown in prison!"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Let's not.
Adam: So he's the leader of a secret government task force, and he's never heard of the X-Files.
Adam: Exactly what does he do in his spare time?
Ifi: He is a truly sad human being.

"We’re gonna call your folks. Maybe they’ll appreciate your sense of humor."
I watched over Marco’s shoulder as he wrote down "Fox Mulder." Then he followed it by a phone number.
Rachel identified herself as Dana Scully.
Then it was my turn. And I drew a total blank. See, I don’t really watch X-Files.
The captain stared at me as I held the pen poised over the paper and sweated. What name? What name?
"Don’t you know your own name?"
"Um...sure. It’s...Cindy! That’s it, Cindy. Cindy...Crawford."
[…]
"Cindy Crawford?" Marco demanded. "What are you, nuts?"
"Me? Me? How about you?"
"Every guy in the country knows who Cindy Crawford is!"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: When I initially read this book, I had no idea who Cindy Crawford was.
Adam: If that helps
Ifi: I knew that I knew the name but nothing else.

"We have to get out of here. Fast!" Rachel said. "I gave him the phone number for Pizza Hut delivery."
"I gave him the number for the Sports Scoreboard recording," Marco said.
"I just gave him one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight!" I said.
"Eight? You gave him eight numbers?" Marco laughed. "Remind me not to ever be a spy with you. Now how do we get outta here?"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Everyone is being just -brilliant- today
Adam: So, Fox Mulder, Dana Scully and Cindy Crawford escape with relative ease from the secret government base, and then get promptly cooked alive by the warm blacktop.  
Adam: So Tobias comes and scoops him up, but he drops Cassie.
Adam: Nice.
Ifi: I don't care
Ifi: I hope the Yeerks eat them.
Adam: I don't think it works that way.
Ifi: It would be better if it did.
Adam: So, carnivorous Yeerks?
Adam: …inside of carnivorous horses?
Ifi: I would read that as long as no bodily functions were involved
Adam: Well too bad. You got this book instead.
Adam: Quote it.

PLOP! PLOPPLOPPLOP! PLOP!
The horse began to do what horses do. If you know what I mean.
"That horse is taking a dump," Marco whispered.
"Thanks for pointing that out, Beavis," Rachel said. "We wouldn’t have noticed without you."
"Horse patties," Marco said. "Prairie pies. Heh-heh-heh-heh."
"That does it. I’m not sharing a bush with--" Rachel began to say.
"Shh! Look! Look!"
To my amazement, the horse who had been pooping stopped. The other horses looked over at her and neighed. I swear they were laughing.
And then the horse in question walked away, moved behind a tree out of sight of the other horses, and finished her business.
"A modest horse?" I asked smugly.
Rachel nodded. "Yeah. It does seem just a little weird."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: How could the same woman who JUST wrote the Andalite Chronicles write this?
Adam: We aren't even up to the ghostwritten books yet.
Ifi: This segment right here sets the tone for the rest of the book
Ifi: So now we have to go follow around modest horses
Adam: So they decide to go to the racetrack to acquire some horses.
Ifi: Because we need to pad out this plot
Adam: Well, look on the bright side
Adam: It means you get even more of this book to enjoy.
Ifi: Hooray.
Ifi: So yeah they take their antics to a racetrack

Everyone was about ninety percent human, and Ax was about ninety percent Andalite, when suddenly, without warning, I found myself staring at two old, old men. One was chewing the end of a slobbery cigar. They were looking over the stall door.
"What the...what are you kids doing in that stall? And what in the name of all that’s holy is that?"
[...]
"Urn...grooming our horse?" I offered.
Rachel’s eyebrows shot up. "Our horse? Oh, yeah, that’s exactly what we’re doing. Grooming our horse." She reached over and stroked Ax’s back.
"Small for a horse," the second man said skeptically. "What are you feeding that poor swaybacked nag?"
"Horse food," Marco said.
"Horse food?"
"Yeah. Um...you know, horse food. Boy, you should see how many cans this guy can eat. Man, all day long I’m opening cans of horse food and filling his dish."
The two men stared. The cigar man moved his cigar to the other side of his mouth.
"Hah-hah-hah!" I practically screamed. "He’s such a kidder! Of course we’re not feeding our horse food from cans. We’re feeding him alfalfa and hay. Like you’d feed any horse. My friend is such a joker! Total joke machine!"
"Plus he’s a moron," Rachel added.
"Your horse is blue," the second man observed. "Never seen a blue horse."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: Darn kids.
Adam: In my day, we only had brown horses, and that was just good enough for us
Ifi: A wacky chase scene ensues, and Cassie is trapped inside the barn.
Ifi: She acquires a really mean racing stallion
Adam: neigh
Adam: is pretty much my reaction to this whole book.

One of the men froze. He stared. And then he came rushing over. "Hey! It’s Minneapolis Max! He’s out of his stall. How the...someone is going to catch some grief behind this! Joe! Grab his bridle, for crying out loud! Quick, before Max here starts raising Cain!"
From the other side of my head I spotted the teenager I’d kicked earlier. He raced to the stall I’d just left. "Hey, Mr. Hinckley! There’s another horse in here that looks exactly like--"
"Just shut up and bring me his gear! Now! NOW!"
"Yes, sir."
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: Darn kids.
Adam: In my day, our horses didn't spontaneously duplicate and we got along just fine.

"Hey, boy. You know you’re in the next race so you decided to come on out? Save that energy, big guy. That’s my champion! That’s my Minneapolis Max."
That’s when it hit me. I’m no racing fan. But the name penetrated my slightly deranged consciousness. I recognized that name.
I had just morphed the horse who was expected to go on to win the Kentucky Derby.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown
Adam: This is a book about aliens, right?
Ifi: What am I even reading.
Ifi: And this is actually my favorite part of the book. Comparatively speaking.
Adam: So Cassie is in a race

"Take it easy, Max, easy," the jockey said.
I was scared. Or at least my horse brain was scared. And I still had the obnoxious scent of that other big stallion in my nose. So I was mad, too. That’s my excuse. I just wasn’t thinking. Because when the jockey once again told me to take it easy, I did something I shouldn’t have done.
Something I wouldn’t have done if I hadn’t been distracted.
<You take it easy. I’m crammed into a little box here!> I said in thoughtspeak.
Thought-speak is like E-mail: It only goes to the person you address it to. So he did hear me. I know for a fact he did because he said, "Huh? Wah? What the?"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Wow Cassie. Just wow.
Adam: Did I mention that I missed those bits at the beginning of the book where they do stupid, cover-blowing things?
Adam: Because I don't.
Ifi: She goes on to speak with him twice more during the race.


Ifi: And the thing is, the part with the race itself is actually pretty well done, and it could have been a cool side thing if it was used properly
Adam: I just found it derpy
Ifi: Well yes there will always be a certain amount of derp
Adam: So Cassie wins the race!
Adam: It is a magical moment.
Adam: I could cry.
Ifi: Hooray?
Adam: Yeah okay.

Ifi: So now that they have morphs, they head back to not-Area 51
Ifi: to engage in some more hooliganry
Adam: So then, they find the horse controllers
Adam: Who start talking
Adam: Outloud.
Adam: Ow.
Adam: That was the sound of blood rushing out of my ears.
Ifi: They do this while walking right into the base
Ifi: They just waltz on in
Adam: Yep.
Adam: And the controllers are just chatting
Adam: In a secret military base.
Adam: Where they would actually be prepared for aliens in some degree.
Ifi: Well if I was told to watch out for aliens I might not suspect the native horses but I still wouldn't let them inside my base!
Ifi: Horses are dirty.
Ifi: They need to be brushed like three times a day
Adam: And as discussed in this piece of literature, they poo a lot.
Ifi: That is true, though there didn't need to be such an emphasis on it
Adam: Such cynicism.
Ifi: They stroll on for like three chapters until they finally reach the secret place

The lead horse slammed bodily into one guard, knocking him into a second guard. Hooves flashed as the horse ran over the guard. I could see it, even with my weak horse eyes, because we were close now.
Running straight for the door of the hangar.
We were there!
A madhouse! Guards mingling with seemingly insane horses. Guards being knocked to the ground.
"Get these horses outta here!" someone bawled.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Ah. The subtle approach.
Adam: So, it seems the best way to get past heavily armed guards is just to run past them.

[E]veryone was yelling.
"What the blazing Hades is going on here?"
"Stop those horses!"
"Shoot!"
"Don’t shoot!"
"Help! I’m allergic to horses!"
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the United States Military
Adam: Again, heavily armed government agents.
Adam: Why haven't the Yeerks conquered this planet already?
Ifi: Why do they -want- to?
Adam: If they did, then there would no longer be any more poop jokes.
Ifi: So they finally find the big secret thing

Bathed in the light, high on the pedestal, was something not from this planet.
It was about eight feet across. The shape was like a cube with the corners rounded off. The entire surface was covered with tubing and painted symbols.
At one end was an opening, large enough for a person to walk inside. I could just barely get a glimpse of the inside. It was smooth, a lovely green in color, with soft lighting. There was some sort of instrumentation on one wall.
<That’s it! That’s it! The most closely guarded secret in all of history!> I’ve never heard Marco sound happier.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: =D
Ifi: And nobody knows what it is
Ifi: The Controllers are all annoyed and flustered.
Adam: As are the readers.
Ifi: So everyone just stands around trying to figure out what to do next.

"SERGEANT! GET those HORSES out of my facility! NOW!" a colonel bellowed.
"Yes, sir!" the sergeant yelled. "Horses! About face!"
It must have surprised the poor sergeant when, amazingly, we all complied. Animorphs and Yeerks, we turned and walked away.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: ...
Adam: "Well, nothing suspicious about that. How about we all go on vacation?"
Ifi: Which is what they do
Ifi: Though first we get to see Visser Three cut a horse-controller in half

<Fools! Idiots! lncompetents!> the visser screamed in enraged thoughtspeak. <Weeks have been wasted setting up this effort. First we lose that clumsy fool, Korin Five-Four-Seven, when he was bitten by a snake. And now we’ve lost poor Jillay Nine-Two-Six!>
The visser indicated the no-longer-in-one-piece horse-Controller, like it had been someone else’s fault he’d been lost.
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: Why did Visser Three need to come here anyway? The dude seriously needs to learn to delegate.
Ifi: He was secretly hoping they'd screwed up
Ifi: so he could kill someone
Adam: At least he didn't eat anyone this time.
Ifi: Must not have been hungry
Ifi: Visser Three mentions they are planning on infesting some of the people at the base.
Adam: Well, having some high ranking government agents in their ranks would be handy, mysterious alien artifact or no.
Ifi: That is very true
Ifi: Visser Three also demands to know why there are random horses running around with the Controllers
Ifi: The Controllers explain that horses are herd animals, and stick together instinctively

This was not the answer the visser wanted to hear. He aimed his Andalite stalk eyes directly at me. <Fool, do you not realize that the Andalite bandits who plague us can morph any animal they like, including horses? I will have to kill these creatures, just to be sure.>

<No one move. No one act like they heard anything,> I hissed to the others. I lowered my big golden head and crunched up a mouthful of grass. And then I did what horses do. And I wasn’t modest about it.

The visser laughed derisively. <l suppose they are real horses, after all.>

----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Ifi: IT WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST TIME
Adam: Apparently Visser Three is the sort of person who finds poo jokes funny.
Adam: This makes a surprising amount of sense.
Ifi: No comment.
Ifi: So Ax reveals that he know what the thing is

<lt’s a disposable module of a type used in the old days on the first generation of Andalite Dome ships. When the modules were used up, they were jettisoned into space. They were supposed to be aimed toward a star, so they’d be burned up without a trace. This one must have drifted through space, eventually being caught by Earth’s gravity.>
<So it’s a space engine?>
<lt’s a weapon?>
<No, of course not. It’s...well, this is a bit embarrassing. It’s an Andalite Dome ship’s modular waste disposal system.>
For about a full minute, no one said anything. Then Marco spoke.
<You’re telling me the Most Secret Place On Earth, the fabled Zone Ninety-one, the Holy Grail of conspiracy nuts, is hiding the secret of an Andalite toilet?>
<Only a very primitive model,> Ax said condescendingly. <Since those days there have been huge technological improvements.>
----Book Fourteen, The Unknown

Adam: ...
Ifi: ...
Adam: ...
Ifi: I don't want to talk about this book anymore.


---
Also, a reminder for everyone! We are continuing to collect Animorphs fanart for our fanart day! The due date is December 14th! So please send it to CinnamonBunzuh@gmail.com

22 comments:

  1. I refuse to believe that Cassie had an advantage over the other horses during the race because she knew that she could give it her all to get to the finish line and they didn't. Racehorses know what the finish line is. Horses aren't the smartest animals in the world, but they aren't stupid, and racing is a very simple sport.

    Also, this review was several times more entertaining than the book. Although the second half of the book was very slightly better. It had hork-bajir in a theme park.

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  2. Yeah we just sort of burned out. I think you can see why.

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  3. I'm fond of this book because it was the first one I ever read. I was like six years old and loved horses. In retrospect, though, it's... not good. At least it's silly more than it is actively awful, maybe? I mean, the book where the plan to beat the Yeerks is to blow up the moon is still coming up.

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  4. Haha, this was my first animorphs book because I was a tiny girl who loved horses... I'm surprised it didn't turn me off the series altogether, but there you go!

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  5. Hahahah, I'm twenty one now and I still find this book hilarious.

    This probably makes me a terrible person.

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  6. This was always one of the more memorable books for me for how stupidly hilarious it was. Haters gonna hate.

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  7. I stumbled upon this blog a few days ago, and boy am I glad I happened to click on that one link that linked to you. You guys are *hilarious*. Love the reviews, every single one of them.

    As for this book, I actually liked it when I read it for the first time. My 13-year old self was in love with horses and Cassie was - still is - my favorite Animorph. Despite the silliness, I found it very entertaining.

    Also I remember the pop culture references flew right over my head. I had never watched X-Files and I had no idea who Cindy Crawford was supposed to be. I didn't even make the connection between Zone 91 and Area 51.

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  8. Cassie books had such a weird trend towards the "wtf?!". Secret andalite toilet plot? Cassie book. Helmacron introductory book? Cassie. Journey to the land down undah'? Cassie. And the morphing buffalo? CASSIE BOOK. Not that the other characters didn't have their fair share, but Cassie just had so MANY. Fortunately, those books were also hilarious, and I do remember enjoying that one where she let Aldrea rent out space in her brain.

    So yeah.

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  9. Wow, you're right... most of the really stupid books ARE Cassie books. But I agree, the Aldrea rescue was an awesome book. I wanted to see more Tidwell and Ilim.

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  10. lol For some reason back when I was reading Animorphs I would always ended up reading the Cassie books. I liked them when I was young, but now I wonder what I was thinking...And that race scene was awesome. :P

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  11. I can't quite remember when it was my uncle stopped reading these books to me and my little brother before bed (I'm convinced the only reason he started and stuck to it so long was due to the fact he was a Trekkie), but I do remember that this was the book I got myself and re-read entirely too many times because it was easiest to find.

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  12. I remembered only one thing from this book... and it was the scene where they give the guy all the fake information. Even when I first read it long ago, that Scene messed me up. It's just so... so...Argg.

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  13. Everyone should come back and read this book after they re-read The Beginning. It makes you feel better. I WAS hoping Rachel would use Ax as a snake-whip in the theme park though.

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    1. I was so profoundly confused by your username before I realized that it was a reference to a bad joke that I made. I don't know how to feel about anything anymore.

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  14. Sooo..... Marco has been reading this blog?
    ...
    ... I got nuthin'.

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  15. Does it bug anyone else that they went to a race track to acquire Horse DNA, when Cassie already had a horse morph from the first book, and it is explicitly stated plenty of times prior to this book that Cassie lives on a FARM with HORSES on it?

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    1. Just read this one. This is explained away by Cassie saying the horse she morphed has a very distinctive pattern on its fur, and that they shouldn't go in as matching identical distinct horses. But that still doesn't explain why she apparently only has one horse on a farm.

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    2. But it also mentions that her horses had distinctive markings, and there were less than 6, so there would be identical horses, which would have tipped off the Yeerks that the "Andalite bandits" were the wild horses.

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  16. I've been rereading the series and following up with your blog posts for each book. The presence of Looney Tunes character costumes in the parade at the end serves as a (likely unintentional) metaphor for the book. This is a Looney Tunes book, where everyone's an idiot and the point is to be mindlessly funny.

    And while the plot was incredibly stupid, the writing was still hilarious.

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  17. WAAAAAAAAAA why didn't u look at the hilarious bit (Visser 3 cuts head off Daffy Duck costume and is baffled by there being a girl inside)

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