Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Ifi's Fanfiction - Chapter Four, Part Three

If you step on that Black Forest cake, I’ll kill the hell out of you.

Six Days The Animorphs Were Idiots
The Day Tobias Had a Date: Part Three

Rachel had descended into irate silence, and Tobias was not sure how to get the conversation started up again. He had a feeling that trying to get her to see the funny side of his mishap would only result in his head being removed from his shoulders and drop-kicked across the room.

It wasn’t his fault that he was so bad at being human now.

Tobias poked at his steak with the fork. Honestly, they called this rare?

"Do you know…do you know there are no War-Princesses?" he said, in a desperate bid to get Rachel’s mind on something other than what an embarrassment her boyfriend was.

It worked. Rachel looked up from her food. "What?"

"I asked Ax. He said girls don’t really join the army. There’s never been a girl Prince, as far as he knows."

Rachel’s reaction was just as Tobias expected it would be. "That’s not fair!"

"Also, females don’t have tail-blades."

"You’re lying!" Now Rachel was officially pissed off, but at least it wasn’t directed at Tobias.

"You can ask him yourself. He said they’re smaller than the male ones, and not really good for fighting. I guess it’s like antlers on deer."

"That’s stupid." Rachel was frowning deeply into the middle distance, as it was not immediately evident who she should be beating up to resolve this issue. "When they get here, they better make me a Princess. They better give me my own team of warriors and call me War Princess Rachel-Naomi-Berenson. With dashes."

"I’m sure they will."

"Also, I will acquire a male and a female Andalite and combine their DNA so I can have a female Andalite with a male tail. That will show them."

That was sort of unexpected. "You’re gonna to make a transgendered Andalite?"

"I guess. If that’s how it turns out."

"Why not just a male one?"

"Because they need to be shown that girls are just as good at killing things. Hey."


"How does that work? With Andalite girls and not wearing shirts?"

"I dunno, I never thought about it before," lied Tobias.

"Hm." Rachel went quiet again, and Tobias wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what she was thinking. "Well, are you almost done eating?"

"Yeah, just about," said Tobias. Now they would have to fight their way out of here. At least he could do it on a full stomach. "Do you want to strategize, so we can get out of here alive?"

"No," said Rachel. "I want to morph to elephant and mess this place up."

"…I thought you had a plan."

"That is the plan."

"That is not a plan." In Tobias’ opinion, it was pretty much the opposite of a plan.

"What are you talking about? It’s a plan! It’s the best plan! It took me hours to work it all out!"

Tobias gave up. "You’re right, Rachel. It is the best plan. You are the best strategist to ever live, Princess Rachel-Naomi-Berenson with dashes. What do you want me to do?"

"Hm. I dunno. What’s the biggest scariest morph you have?"

"Well, I’ve got a hammerhead shark."

Rachel’s response caused people at nearby tables to glare.

"I know you didn’t really mean that, so I’m going to ignore it," said Tobias. "Where do you want to hide while you morph?

"Bathroom. I need to change out of this dress, after all. Or it’ll get all ripped up."

"Great. Priorities. Just one problem: how will you get back out once you’re an elephant?"


Tobias sighed. "Okay, fine. But we can’t both get up at once, they’ll think we’re ripping them off."

"Tonight is supposed to be free, remember? Mass hallucination?"

"Okay, but we still can’t both get up at once because it will be suspicious."

"Then you wait here," Rachel got up, grabbing her purse, which Tobias supposed could be large enough to hide a morphing suit. His was just under his clothes, like a normal person/superhero/whatever. "I’ll be back in a few."

Tobias waited.

And he waited.

And he waited.

And just as he was about to get up and see what was wrong, the entire building shook and an African elephant came crashing through one of the walls. It held a pink purse in its trunk, but he was probably the only one who noticed that detail. 

<Ok,> said Rachel. If she hadn’t been using private thought-speak, Tobias would have never heard her above the screams. <You can go morph if you want. Just watch out for the dessert cart. If you step on that Black Forest cake, I’ll kill the hell out of you.>

Tobias couldn’t reply—he couldn’t use thought-speak in human morph, and there was no way she would have heard him even if he spoke aloud.

In the chaos, absolutely nobody saw a fourteen year old boy crawl underneath a table. Or if they did, they probably thought, "Oh, that’s a good hiding spot." But Tobias wasn’t hiding. He was morphing. Demorphing, actually. He felt very vulnerable in his human form, and really, any excuse to be a hawk again.

<Rachel?> he called, once he was able to.

<Tobias! Hey, where are you? I don’t see you.>

<I’m under the table. So don’t step on it. What took you so long? I thought the Yeerks got you.>

There was a smashing sound, like a chandelier had just been knocked down. <What? No way. I had to take off my make-up, of course. Or it would have gotten on the dress. And then I had to put the make-up back on. Because duh.>

<But then you morphed an elephant.>


Tobias decided that he would never, ever understand girls.

In the chaos, absolutely nobody saw a red-tailed hawk hop awkwardly out from beneath a table, trying to get himself untangled from the tablecloth. Or if they did, they probably thought, "I cannot believe I was part of a mass hallucination two nights in a row."

And for the second time in as many nights, all the occupants of the restaurant fled the building in terror.

*    *    *

The neighborhood was quiet. They sat together on Rachel’s front porch, eating the stolen Black Forest cake between them with two forks. Rachel was back in her dress. Tobias had left Jake's loaned clothes in the chaos, so he was stuck in his morphing outfit.

It was a clear night, and they were far enough from Los Angeles that they could see the stars easily.

"I wonder which one is the Andalite homeworld," said Rachel, tilting her head upwards.

"Ax showed me once, but I forgot," admitted Tobias.

"Do you think they’ll get here soon?" Rachel took another cherry off the cake. She had eaten more cherries than cake so far. She’d admitted that she could probably eat a whole jar of maraschino cherries with a spoon.

"Maybe," said Tobias.

"And then they’ll make me a Princess. That’ll be weird, though, won’t it? I mean, when the whole world knows about us and the Yeerks and everything."

"Yeah." But Tobias had a feeling that it would affect Rachel and the other Animorphs far more than it would a hawk living in a nature preserve. "I bet they’ll want to talk to you on TV."

"Oh! Really? Do you think we’ll be famous?"

"Sure, why not?"

"That might be fun. But only for a little while. Then I’m going back to fighting Yeerks. Someone has to protect the universe. Man, I can’t wait ’til they get here. The Andalites. It’s gonna be awesome."

Tobias looked over at Rachel. She was smiling, her teeth reflecting back the light, and he smiled too, because it was contagious.

"I can wait a little longer," he said.

end of day four

Previous Part Next Part

Next Week: The Day Jake Got So Wasted


  1. To make up for whatever the hell this was supposed to be, the next chapter will have people shooting things and getting drunk and punching rocks and nobody will kiss at all.

    1. ...but Tobias can use thought-speak in human form. It's just another morph.

      Also, I love this fic, and I need to marry you.

    2. Yeah, turns out I got that wrong, but I only got it wrong because KA Applegate got it wrong too so I have an excuse.

    3. Ifi, I'm trying to find your other fanfictions, but they're all blocked except to invited readers. I tried emailing the site's help page, but no one's responded. I hope you see this and can maybe invite me, because I'm very interested in reading the Controller Chronicles, there's so few good Animorphs fanfics out there, and yours is very good.

  2. For the record, I do not condone underage drinking, and neither should you.

  3. Awe, that was sweet.

    Rachel spending hours coming up with "Morph elephant. Smash things." had me laughing so hard!

    1. I'm pretty sure that the entire time was spent trying to choose between "Morph elephant. Smash things." and "Morph grizzly bear. Smash things.". Just mulling over which one could cause maximum smash-age in a restaurant.

      Can't wait to see Jake get wasted, though! Sounds lol-tastic.

    2. "Morph...morph...something...morph...elephant? Yeah...morph elephant and...? Morph elephant and then...screw it, I'll come back to it later."

  4. Is it weird that this made me a little sad at the end? Having read the last book and all...

    1. I know… I really wanted to see a War-Princess Rachel-Naomi-Berenson. Is it possible to write a fan-fiction of a fan-fiction?

  5. aww, that was kinda adorable.
    I loved rachel's plan.
    also, i don't care what kind of message you send to the kids: the Animorphs should totally try to drink their pain and ptsd away. it would be funny.

    1. Jake is a 70 year old Vietnam vet in the body of a 14 year old boy.

    2. Jake is the reincarnation of Tobias's grandpa?

  6. That was really sweet. You write this couple a lot more interesting than Applegate did.

    1. If you a fanfiction surpasses the quality of the original, we have a serious problem. I can't wait to read about the day Jake got wasted.

    2. I was thinking that this is way better than the original the whole time.

  7. Awww, this chapter was way sweet. Also like this entire fanfiction is frighteningly in-character and plausible. Not sure how you managed that.

  8. The amusing thing is that the Controllers at the restaurant never actually took any action against them. Rachel just assumed they were going to, turned into an elephant and flipped out (as she is wont to do). For all she knows, the free dinner wasn't a trap at all and the new Yeerk owners just wanted to protect their restaurant's reputation. I mean, just because they were forced to take over the place by their jerk boss doesn't mean they aren't going to run it properly! Now those poor Yeerk restauranteurs are going to go out of business. They have insurance, of course, but an African elephant suddenly materialising in the restroom is considered an "act of god," so they'll never see a cent. Their hosts have children to feed!

  9. Where did Rachel's middle name come from? I know her mother's name is Naomi, but I don't remember anything about her having the same middle name.

    Also regarding Rachel & Tobias discussing Andalite genders, I was shown, literally two days ago, an internet fanfic where Rachel & Tobias have sex with him in Andalite morph. This fic caused horrific flashbacks. Please let us never discuss the subject of Andalite gender again, especially not in relation to Rachel & Tobias.

    1. Yeah we never learned her middle name. So I decided that in my headcanon, her middle name is Naomi, like her mother. It felt better than pulling a random name out of nowhere, you know?

      My condolences about your sanity. There will be no sex in this fic, Andalite or otherwise.

    2. Glad to know, I was jsut wondering since I didn't recall any middle names. I did intend any criticism, and I definitely agree with the choice, if you had to give her a middle name, which the story seemed to call for.

      There's something wrong with people who insert sex into kids' books anyway. Even if the story is great and the characterization makes it appealing to adults - THEY'RE STILL CHILDREN, you F***ing Perverts! Even if they are typical teenagers for contemporary popular entertainment, they'd have to be doing it offscreen. So my compliments on your handling of both a realistic exploration of the feelings and age of the characters in this one.

  10. Tobias also has an elephant morph. If this is after David (and it must be, because later Jake says they have the blue box), then Tobias has the elephant he used to trash the summit meeting at the resort. All the animorphs have either an elephant or a rhino. Also, he might have a polar bear by now, or a chimpanzee from the meat-packing plant book. He also morphed a bull in that one. All of those would be good for trashing a restaurant.

  11. I prefer to interpret that like Spike's "I had a plan, it was good too, well thought out covered all the angles... but I got bored."
    Rachel isn't dumb she's just addicted to adrenaline. Besides, considering that the plan worked there isn't much reason to make it any more complicated than necessary is there?
    On the subject of Andalite mammaries:
    1) They don't have them, convergent evolution goes only so far.
    2) They're on the horse half of the body, and are small unless the Andalite is pregnant or is raising young.

    1. Indeed. I hate fan art with female Andalite breasts. *shudders*

  12. For me this is canon. Ifi, I envy your talent.