Saturday, March 17, 2012

Alternamorphs 1: The First Journey

The Summary
You were at the construction site when Elfangor crashed, and you became an Animorph. Now you must sort of reenact the events of book one and pick the morphs you need to survive. Except there is only ever one morph that won't end in death. So. It's more like a regular book that happens to be written in the second person. There is no plot to speak of, only you dying in various ways.

The second half of the book is a semi-original storyline, with Visser Three manipulating the Sario Rip from book eleven for his own purposes. He harnesses the power to...send himself back in time and kill Eva before she is infested by Edriss. Even the author admits it makes no sense.

You morph into a giraffe, kick Visser Three in the face, and are warped home to your own time for no reason whatsoever. The end.

No, really.

That's what happens.

The Random
Ifi: How the hell are we going to do the review?
Adam: When we get to a part when were the story branches off, we have a thing that says "If you want to turn into a fly, go to part 1, If you want to turn into a spaceship, go to part 2" etc
Adam: And then lower in the page, we have the story branches labeled with big numbers
Ifi: I WANT TO TURN INTO A SpACEsHIPPP OMG
Adam: as do we all
Ifi: YOU DO NOT EVEN
Ifi: UNDERSTAND
Ifi: HOW MUCH
Ifi: I WANT TO TURN INTO A SpACEsHIPPP
Adam: I have something of an idea
Ifi: REALLY?
Adam: yes
Ifi: HOW HOW HOW
Ifi: HOW CAN I BECOME A SpACEsHIPPP
Adam: through science
Adam: i gotta go
Ifi: WHAT
Adam: i will be back later
Ifi: FFFF
Ifi: JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL ME
Ifi: I HAET U

The Review
Ifi: If you want to go get a glass of water, turn the page. If you want to get a glass of juice, go to page ten. Whoops, you chose to get some juice. Bad choice! The Yeerks win and everyone dies. The end.
Adam: Pretty much
Adam: I mean, there are no branching story options for this book at all
Adam: It is either choose the one correct path, or die
Adam: They could not have missed the point more if they had tried
Ifi: Well it makes it easier for us to review xD
Adam: The sad thing is that you are right
Adam: The second cyoa book is a bit better
Adam: But still is an enormous missed opportunity
Ifi: Was this one ghostwritten?
Adam: Yeah

Adam: So, choose your own adventure book
Adam: It is a book
Adam: Where you choose your own adventure.
Adam: Well, in theory, anyway.
Adam: In practice it's more like "follow this story I wrote, or else die painfully."
Ifi: There are approximately six points in the story where you can choose an animal to morph. But there is only one ending that is not "oops sorry wrong morph you died."
Adam: Somehow I feel that the ghostwriter is missing the point here.

Ifi: I loved CYOA books as a kid. I loved them. One of the best things about them was that you could get radically different and even contradictory endings.
Ifi: It was literally a book with four or five different stories woven in.
Adam: That was my favorite part.
Adam: I remember in one of the Give Yourself Goosebumps books, there was a bit where someone was approaching, and you could either hide or confront them, and the person approaching would be different depending on your choice.
Ifi: This was just a book with some bonus pages that describe how you'd die if you'd chosen one morph over the other.
Adam: It is true.
Adam: For future writers, a word of advice: The key to a good CYOA book is to have branching story arcs.
Adam: Don't just have one canon ending.
Ifi: I loved the Goosebumps ones, those were great.
Ifi: Also the actual 'choose your own adventure' line of books, with all sorts of different settings. I loved the fantasy ones.
Ifi: Read the hell out of those.


Adam: Seriously, they were great
Adam: Also, I think I just have a fondness for anything with a shiny cover.
Adam: Speaking of
Adam: I honestly rather like the cover for this book.
Ifi: How does a lion relate to this book?
Adam: It does not in the slightest bit.
Ifi: Lions are sort of associated with David.
Adam: But I have a fondness for these sort of typographic collages.
Adam: It would have been more appropriate for the second CYAO book, honestly
Ifi: It is better than the Megamorphs covers, I'll give you that
Adam: But I guess they had that lion lying around (doho) from the Animorphs TV series, and they got in some extra photographs.
Ifi: I like how Tobias is the same size as the rest of the cast up there.
Ifi: And I guess the purple lump is you.
Adam: Yes.
Adam: You is the name of our genderless, featureless protagonist.
Adam: Because that is what everyone calls him/her/it.
Ifi: You're bland, a giant coward, and not all that bright.
Adam: Also, apparently into extreme sports.
Adam: This is something I found a bit odd. They have the protagonist as this blank, reader insert character.
Adam: But then they deliberately give him/her distinctive character traits.
Adam: It seems like the author is really trying to have her cake and eat it too.
Ifi: If you are going to have character traits, go all out, I say!


Ifi: Like this guy did!
Adam: I have no idea at all what is going on there.
Ifi: YOU ARE A SHARK OBVIOUSLY
Adam: And thus everything is illuminated
Adam: So, let's dive into the plot, then?
Ifi: Fffff
Ifi: I hate you.
Adam: Everyone does.

Ifi: Okay so the author felt that apparently we needed a graphic recap of Elfangor's murder.
Ifi: For the record? We did not.
Adam: This entire book is basically a recap.
Adam: So basically, author insert is doing assorted extreme 90's things in abandoned construction site.
Ifi: Whooo
Adam: Because this is what early teens do, right?

You’re an off-road cycling freak, so you head for the construction site across from the mall. How many times have you been told not to do that? Like a million. "It’s dangerous," your mom says. Deep pits filled with water, cinder block obstacles, dips, and downhill runs.
In other words, highly cool.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Totally radical.


Adam: Word to your mother.


Ifi: It was a late Friday afternoon at Bantam.
Adam: You are enjoying these perhaps a bit too much.
Ifi: I am having so much fun
Adam: So, protagonist runs into the other soon-to-be Animorphs, Elfangor crashes, explains everything, Visser Three attacks, everyone runs away.
Adam: Blah, blah, blah.
Adam: We've been through this already.

Ifi: So the first choice is on page ten. You decide to try out your morphing powers.
Ifi: You can be a fly, a hamster, or a ferret.
Adam: Go to Part 1 to morph a fly.
Adam: Go to Part 2 to morph the hamster.
Adam: And Part 3 to be a ferret.
Ifi: Let's be a fly
Adam: So we have a big number 1
Adam: 1
Ifi: Good for stealth
Adam: Yes.
Adam: Okay, so now you are a fly.
Adam: As it turns out, you can catch more flies with honey then with vinegar.
Ifi: Would any of you guys like to do the reviews with me from now on, after I murder Adam?
Adam: I cannot be killed, for I am Mum-Rah the Ever Living.
Adam: Also, a fly is a terrible first morph.
Adam: Whose idiot idea was that?
Ifi: Yours.
Adam: Shh
Adam: So now you are dead.
Adam: Swatted
Adam: By your own mom, even.
Ifi: Harsh.
Adam: Well, that was fast.
Ifi: And that's why there's only six Animorphs


Adam: Okay, go back to the first choice and try again.
Adam: 2
Ifi: Hamster! I am sure that would be great for infiltrating an intergalactic armada!
Adam: So now you are a small fuzzy thing which horrible ADHD.
Ifi: You eavesdrop on your mom and your Controller neighbor.

But before she can finish, dirt flies and a paw suddenly swipes out. How could you have forgotten that when you see Ms. Humphries, her cat Gingerbread is never far behind?
Swipe, claw, chomp! You’re dessert.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Whoops
Adam: I am starting to sense a pattern here...
Ifi: Ok so there is only the ferret left
Ifi: That has to be the right choice.
Ifi: Or else this will be a very short book.
Adam: Nope, as it turns out you die as the ferret too.
Adam: All the other pages are blank.
Ifi: Avant-garde
Ifi: Good. We're done. I'm gonna play Fallout.
Adam: Sorry, no. 
Adam: 3
Adam: So, being the good Samaritan that you are, you break into your neighbor's house to steal one of her pets.

The back door slams. Ms. Humphries stumps back in, a ferret draped across her chest. She looks at the ice-cream cake in her hand and shrugs. She dumps it into the kitchen trash can.
"Empty calories," she mutters. "Not necessary."

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Oh come on! Even Yeerks like ice cream cake!
Adam: I dunno. I like cake, and I like ice cream, but I am not a fan of ice cream cake.
Ifi: Whaaaaa
Adam: It is just a poor example of both.
Ifi: I don't think we can be friends anymore.
Adam: ;__;
Ifi: The puns were bad but this is the last straw.
Adam: But...it's just really stale and freezerburnt ice cream.
Adam: Not properly smooth or creamy at all.
Ifi: Have you ever gotten ice cream cake from a really good place?
Adam: And it always has that awkward, plastickey tasting buttercream on top.
Ifi: Like Coldstone?
Adam: Usually just Carvel.
Ifi: You gotta pay extra for the good stufffffff
Adam: Honestly, I am fine with just ice cream or just cake.
Adam: You don't need both at once.
Ifi: I do.
Ifi: Every three days I must swim in a pool of ice cream cake
Ifi: Or I will die.
Adam: Somehow I am completely unsurprised.

Adam: Ferrets!

Ifi: Ferrets are nice.
Adam: They are living slinkies.
Ifi: Tehe
Adam: Even classical artists like them


Ifi: Anyway this was so boring that I have no recollection of what happened next so I actually need to reread.
Ifi: Alternately, I can make up a more interesting version of what happened.
Adam: All the ferrets go to space
Adam: And fight ninjas.
Ifi: Excellent


Adam: And then everything explodes.
Adam: Alright, so we basically get a recap of book 1
Adam: And then everyone decides to go to the zoo to get battle morphs.
Ifi: Right. You get a giraffe at one point. Also a hyena, which is pretty cool!
Ifi: I dunno when a giraffe would ever be useful though.
Adam: And very distinctly, not a lion.
Adam: Despite it being on the cover.
Adam: I dunno, I guess it could be used to intimidate someone.
Ifi: There will be no lions appearing in this book.
Adam: I mean, giraffes are friggen enormous.
Ifi: Long-necked herbovored are terrifying.
Adam: There heads alone are half the size of your body


Ifi: Terrifying.

Adam: Also they have legs 
Adam: That can kick very hard
Adam: And then make you dead.

Ifi: Well anyway you get caught by the security guards who question you, and you finally get another option to morph
Ifi: Twenty pages and two whole branches oh wow.
Adam: For a hyena, go to part 4
Adam: For a police dog, go to part 5
Adam: And for the giraffe, go to part 6

Adam: 4
Adam: So you are a hyena now.
Adam: And being a hyena, you instantly want to go around and eat babies.
Adam: I recommend a little paprika

The prey toddles toward you. The mother screams. You feel the short hind legs of the hyena contract. The muscles tense. The powerful jaw opens and you let out that inhuman cry. ERRRR-UP!
It silences everyone. They all fear you. You own this place. This prey is yours.
No!
With a last, desperate struggle, you take over the hyena instinct. You turn toward the worker with the gun.
You feel the burning sensation, and immediately, your legs feel heavy. Slowly, you slump to the ground.
Sting! You’re knocked out. When you awake, you will have to deal with the horror of being permanently stuck in hyena morph, a creature without mercy, a killing machine.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Adam: Well, you are still alive, at least?
Ifi: Well that was friggen depressing.
Ifi: For the record, hyenas are awesome


Adam: They have jaws that can crush through bone.  
Adam: Also, lady-penises.
Adam: I am not sure whether to elaborate on the second part.
Ifi: Let's just talk about the giraffe


Adam: 6

You leap over a wall. It’s so easy, since your legs are so long! You find yourself in a savannah habitat. That’s good. You start across, hoping to make it to the other wall. If you can get over it, the exit it just steps away.
Then, you hear a roar. You’ve leaped into the lion’s den. Both your giraffe instincts and a book you vaguely remembered called Those Amazing Animals of Africa suddenly remind you that lions are the main predators of giraffes.
A full-grown male lion springs.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey
Adam: Well, that was dumb
Ifi: Male lions don’t...
Adam: Shhh
Adam: Let them have their Lion King-logic.
Ifi: Ok whatever. Police dog.

Adam: 5
Ifi: Seeing as this is the only one left, it's not really a spoiler to tell you that this is the way you survive and get home safe.
Adam: You are apparently being tracked by the police, but who cares about that, right?
Ifi: Also Cassie is in danger. Cassie is in danger? Did I miss that part, or are we just supposed to know it from reading book 1?
Ifi: It's possible I just missed it. I admit that I skimmed heavily.
Adam: Everyone's being chased by the controller-police.
Adam: So, we have another morph choice.

Adam: For ferret again, go to Part 7
Adam: For police dog, go to part 8
Ifi: Doggg
Adam: 8

You trot over to the group waiting for the elevator. You stay behind them. When the elevator comes, you leap on just as the doors close.
You make it down in the elevator without anyone really caring. The elevator hits the sublevel, but a Controller pushes a series of buttons and it keeps going down. When it stops, everyone files out. The last Controller pushes you back into the elevator.
"Beat it, bub," he says.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Ladies and gentlemen…
Ifi: The Yeerk Empire.
Adam: What, you mean to say that this isn't how alien conquerors usually talk?

Ifi: Anyway, you get caught. The other Animorphs do nothing to save you.

You put your head into your paws, like a dog might. Your tail is stiff and straight.
<Welcome, Andalite,> Visser Three says. <Your friends didn’t want to stay for dinner.
How kind of you to remain.>
He laughs, and you see his teeth glinting. They are sharp and pointed like daggers. He raises one of his many hands, and a fireball zooms past you.
<Time to get roasted,> Visser Three says. His hand lifts again, and he sends another fireball your way. This one hits its mark.
SIZZLE! You’re dead.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey
Ifi: Ferret it is, then
Adam: 7
Ifi: You get yourself down to the Yeerk Pool
Adam: The Yeerks all seem remarkably nonchalant about a ferret scampering about down there.
Ifi: Yeah nobody really cares. Though to be fair, this is before they even suspect there might be Andalites on-planet.
Ifi: They think the place is theirs.
Ifi: I mean it's gonna be at least a few months before they unbox the biofilters and sentry drones

Adam: So anyways, everyone is in the Yeerk Pool.
Adam: it's the same cheery place it always is
Ifi: Pandemonium in five...

You spring. You tear at his flesh, then jump away. You strike again, this time for the vulnerable fleshy part near his head. Wounded, you expect him to fall back. But instead, he springs forward, his elbow and wrist blades flashing. Rachel raises a foot and stomps.
<Thanks,> you tell her.
<Another puny Hork-Bajir bites the dust,> Rachel says. She sounds positively bloodthirsty.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Classic Rachel
Adam: And another one gone. And another one gone. And another one bites the dust.
Ifi: And then you run away. Just like in the end of the first book.
Ifi: The end.
Adam: Ah, but the book is not over yet!
Adam: Tragically.

Ifi: It's almost like two books in one—the plot from book one, and this other completely incoherent adventure with time travel and oh Ax is here too now I guess?
Adam: Well, we have a time skip
Adam: And now you initially think that it is the events of Book 11.
Adam: But then, no, that had happened already.
Ifi: Yeah everyone already knows what it is.
Adam: What happens next is honestly even more incoherent.
Ifi: I have no.
Ifi: idea
Ifi: what
Ifi: just
Ifi: what
Ifi: understand
Ifi: i don't
Adam: People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect. But actually, from a nonlinear, nonsubjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey…stuff.

Ifi: So they are back in the jungle from the book where Jake hallucinated that he went back in time or whatever.
Ifi: No idea how they got there. They just are.
Adam: They are there because it is what drives the plot.
Adam: Excuse me
Adam: Drives the "plot."
Ifi: The Day Marco Lost His Pants has more of a plotline than this
Adam: Okay, you can go write a CYOA book now.
Ifi: I would. And it would be amazing.
Adam: make your dreams come true.
Ifi: Watch me.

Ifi: So it's time to morph again.
Adam: For monkey, go to part 9
Adam: For parrot, go to part 10
Adam: For parasol ant, go to part 11

"What about using an ant morph again?" you suggest. You point to a tree. "I read about those ants. They’re called parasol ants. They can climb hundreds of feet. And we’d be so small we’d sneak onto the Bug fighter with no problem."

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: You're a fuckwit, btw.
Adam: Yes, protagonist is not the sharpest lightbulb in the fridge.
Ifi: The ant trauma happened in book five. We are now past book eleven.
Ifi: YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER
Adam: Nothing in this book makes any sense
Ifi: Monkeyyyy

But once you morph a monkey, you discover that the vines you thought of as choking off air and light are…well, like monkey bars.
Which gives you a chance to use what must be the coolest tail in the universe.
<Cooler than mine?> Ax asks.
<Sorry, Ax-man,> Marco tells him. <Way cooler.>

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: :(
Ifi: I am sad for Ax.
Adam: I think his tail is cool...
Adam: So, everyone is too busy monkeying around to notice that they are being shot at,
Ifi: It wasn't your fault it was Tobias.
Ifi: Everyone knew a red-tailed hawk didn't belong in the rainforest.
Adam: Isn't this after Tobias regained his morphing ability?
Adam: Why didn't he become a monkey too?
Ifi: No he doesn't have it yet I don't think...
Adam: oh, wait, you are right
Ifi: I guess that means you're dead. 
Adam: Oh well

Adam: So, next is 11
Adam: I don't know why no one points out what a terrible idea it is to morph ants again.
Ifi: I shouldn't even have to tell you that this ends in failure.
Adam: You get killed by a sloth.
Adam: A sloth!
Adam: I cannot even begin on how pathetic that is.
Ifi: Yeah jeez at least die with some honor


Adam: Dangerous murderers

Ifi: The 'right' morph is the parrot, which gets you to some natives, which take you for spirits (again)
Adam: So yes, part 10
Adam: So even though these aren't the events of book 11, you still need to reenact them
Adam: For some reason.
Adam: Which means sneaking aboard the blade ship.
Adam: So it is time for another morph.

Ifi: Chameleon, poison rainbow death frog, or jaguar
Adam: Part 12, Part 13, Part 14
Ifi: Poison rainbow death plz


Adam: 13
Adam: I'm not sure how they managed to acquire these things
Adam: You aren't really supposed to make direct contact with them
Ifi: Right??? That makes no sense.
Ifi: They should all be rolling around on the ground hallucinating

It begins to rain. You’re thirsty, and your frog brain clamors for water. You hop forward and stick out your tongue. The water feels cool. You swallow gratefully.
<The rain feels good,> you say.
<What rain?> Tobias asks.
A brownish-greenish creature suddenly detaches itself from a tree. It appears to have no bones. But at the end of its five arms are sprinklerlike holes. They are spraying you with water.
<It is a B'heeon!> Ax cries. <Look out for its—>
A three-foot-wide, sticky pink tongue suddenly shoots out of the creature’s mouth. It laps you up like cream. You thrash about, but you can’t escape as the tongue shoots you backward into the waiting mouth.
<Frog’s legs. Delicious,> Visser Three says.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: I
Ifi: wha
Ifi: you
Ifi: what
Adam: After which Visser Three promptly started foaming from the mouth and died.
Ifi: Also, how does Visser Three know about frogs legs?
Adam: Same reason that he can speak fluent English when in a human morph.
Ifi: Ah.
Ifi: Magic.
Adam: Obviously.
Ifi: Jaguar.
Ifi: It never states HOW you get the jaguar morph.
Ifi: You just have it.

The jaguar owns the rain forest. You realize this as you take control of the morph. You feel the power of your coiled muscles, ready to spring. Your gaze can pick out details in the darkest shadow. You spy the tiniest beetle and the sloth hanging above you and the parrot in the tree.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: So yeah. I guess you had the jaguar all along inside you.
Adam: Protagonist is apparently beast boy
Adam: (S)he just needs to be near an animal in order to morph it.
Ifi: Anyway, the Hork-Bajir somehow just know that it's you and you die.
Adam: Well, jaguars are normally solitary. A bunch of them hanging out together is pretty suspicious.
Ifi: How the hell would a Hork-Bajir Controller know that?
Adam: Magic.

Ifi: Ok so chameleon is apparently the right choice.
Adam: I am honestly rather grateful that they don't go around abusing the color change.
Adam: Chameleons really can't do that.
Ifi: Nonsense. Chameleons can turn blue and magenta and sunshine yellow the moment they come in contact with something in that color. Everyone knows that.
Ifi: For your convenience, this comment has been equipped with a sarcasm detector. It will sound in the event of sarcasm.
Ifi: ...
Ifi: Ding.

Via the Perry Bible Fellowship

Adam: If you had an actual sarcasm detector, it would be long broken by now.
Ifi: Ok so you get on the goddamn Blade ship and Visser Three takes you home.
Ifi: Except not.
Ifi: You are somehow outside of your school because magic
Ifi: and it is a year ago for no reason at all.
Adam: Time travel makes perfect sense.
Adam: I dare you to say otherwise.

You’re in the front quad outside school. You’re wearing a sweater you haven’t worn since last year. Ahead of you is the bus stop. You see Patrolman Teeter directing traffic. He retired last summer.
You turn. Rachel is back on the steps of school. Her hair is a good four inches shorter. She touches it, frowning. She wore it that way last year. You’ve gone back in time like you should have. But you’ve overshot your time.
You’re a year too early.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Adam: Science!
Ifi: Indeed.

Just then, a car pulls up to the curb. A window slides down. Marco’s mother waves at him.
"Hi, honey! Thought I’d give you a ride."

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: You have entered...the twilight zone.


Adam: So, Visser Three morphs Cujo and starts to attack Visser One's not-yet host body.
Ifi: Except Visser One ran off TWO years ago, and we’ve only gone back ONE.
Adam: SHHHHH
Adam: You're not supposed to notice
Ifi: So Visser Three decides to kill a random human female, just to spite Visser One
Adam: She will just end up with another human host
Ifi: "She wants this host? WELL SHE CAN'T HAVE IT. SO THERE."
Ifi: "SHE'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER MIDDLE-AGED SOCCER MOM."
Adam: "MWAHAHA"
Ifi: Damn, so evil.

Adam: So, morph time
Ifi: A hyena, the police dog again, or the friggen giraffe
Adam: 15, 16, 17
Adam: If you're a Hyena, you save Marco's mom, but then the policeman shoots you.
Adam: Nice job, Patrolman Teeter.

Your teeth find the pit bull’s leg. You chomp down and hit bone. Snarling, the pit bull turns. That exposes its neck, and you pounce. You have Visser Three in your jaws. You savor the moment. What you didn’t count on was Patrolman Teeter.
He has been on the school beat for ten years. He loves the kids. He protects them from bullies, stray dogs, and fast cars.
He certainly isn’t going to let a hyena endanger them.
He runs up behind you and pulls his gun.

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Are you
Ifi: Are you
Ifi: Are you serious right now.
Ifi: I just
Adam: Is this really the sort of position where they issue guns?
Adam: I mean, he's basically a glorified traffic guard.
Ifi: There is a pit bull attacking a woman. A hyena appears out of nowhere and takes down the pit bull. And the crossing guard shoots the hyena.
Ifi: Just.
Ifi: I think I need to lie down for an hour.
Adam: Our tax dollars at work, folks!

Ifi: If you do the police dog, Visser Three beats you in the fight and you die.
Ifi: So you have the giraffe.
Adam: You literally hide behind a tree and morph the giraffe.
Ifi: Not the dumbest thing to ever happen in this series, let alone this book.
Adam: So, you kick Visser Three in the face.

You turn your back to the dog to give yourself greater kicking power. He launches himself at you, but he can only reach your leg. You shake him off, you pull back your leg, and—
WHAM! You knock Visser Three into next week.
FLASH!
"—onions on it, too?" Mom asks you. She is stirring a pot of tomato sauce at the kitchen stove.
She turns when you don’t answer. "Sweetie? Do you want onions on the pizza?"

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Ifi: Oh.
Ifi: Uh
Ifi: ...
Adam: Do onions really go that well on pizza?
Ifi: I like them!
Adam: I've never tried that.
Adam: If they were caramelized beforehand, I could see it tasting good.
Ifi: There's a place by my school that does them good.
Adam: Hmm, admittedly I haven't gone out for pizza in a while.
Adam: There is this one place in lower Brooklyn that I really like.
Ifi: Yes you mention it to me about once a week.

Jake looks at Ax. "Does any of this make sense to you?"
Ax chews on the licorice and swallows. "No. Except for the motive of Visser Three. He manipulated the Sario Rip to go back farther in time."
"He knew it would happen?" Jake asks.
"He was trying to kill his enemy’s host before it became the host," Ax explains. "You see, some hosts are better than others. Obviously, Visser One has found a host that has extraordinary abilities. I also guess that Visser Three might have known you were aboard in some kind of morphs. That was a trap. Since he thinks you are Andalites, perhaps he thought he could send you back. That way, he would be prepared that first night when my brother, Elfangor, landed. He would make sure to kill you. Or else you would not be there at all. Alter the past, alter the future. He was willing to take the risk."

----Alternamorphs #1, The First Journey

Adam: Ah
Ifi: Eva has the extraordinary abilities of being able to pilot a sailboat and give a sarcastic running commentary in the middle of boring meetings.
Adam: This all makes completely perfect sense.
Ifi: I mean really.
Ifi: Actually, I am pretty sure Edriss picked Eva for her Marco-style observations. She needs to get through those meetings somehow.
Adam: Because there is only single snarky middle aged housewife on earth
Ifi: Just the one.
Ifi: Also awesome hair.
Ifi: She saw that hair and had to have it.
Adam: Well, it's just so swooshy

Adam: So, everyone admits that the plot made no sense.
Adam: And they go out for pizza.
Adam: The end.

Ifi: THIS BOOK GOT PUBLISHED AND ALL I HAVE IS A SHOEBOX FULL OF FORM REJECTIONS
Adam: This is how the universe functions.
Adam: Any other closing thoughts, beyond how generally terrible an experience this was for both of us?
Ifi: I need to go have a headache.
Adam: Thank you, Rita Repulsa.
Ifi: I aspire to be as fashionable as her.
Adam: Well, she does have nice taste in hats.
Ifi: Me too!
Adam: I'm the one with the antennae hat, though.
Ifi: That is not fashionable. It is a crime.
Adam: Shush, you

Wow, you really suck at this, don't you?

35 comments:

  1. Applegate being Applegate, maybe the lack of endings was deliberate. Her theme seemed to be "Hi, fuck you, kids. The world is a horrible brutal place. Look at the pretty animals."

    I mean, while the series seems to have been marketed as a "learn about animals" thing, the REAL message was "war is hell" and she ran those kids through the ringer. So when the book offers YOU a chance to share in the Animorph experience, ostensibly you get the chance to choose animals to morph like your favorite characters, but the REAL thing you get to share with the Animorphs is trauma! Since Applegate can't disembowel you and then have you demorph to hide the evidence from child services, she has to settle for killing you off with just about every choice you make. By the end, you should be terrified to make a choice, and wanted to kill Rachel when she says "Let's do it" because you just chose to morph a turtle to cross the eight-lane highway, and you're sure that you are about to turn to a page that describes your gruesome death, in a way you can't anticipate. I mean, who thought that upon picking a hyena morph, you would succeed but be shot by a cop who sounds like a cartoon animal? It's just KA Applegate sending you a message about how random death can get you no matter how good a morph you pick, or careful to hide your identity you are.

    BTW, cops on duty always have guns, even if that duty is just delivering a presentation about how bad drugs are, or introducing the local K-9 to the kindergartners, or waving traffic around the phone company's work-truck.

    On a personal note, I was so disappointed they never used hyenas in the Animorphs, and some part of my brain was kind of satisfied that I /YOU got have such a badass morph, and not some loser like Cassie. I was really annoyed when she got the cape buffalo and leopard and even worse, never ever used them again. The Animorphs should have read "The Most Dangerous Game."

    So...a week of no fanfic, and a surprise review of an alternamorph, instead of the introduction of the Drode, the Animorphs raiding a crackhouse, a password being 6, and Rachel buying underwear for a robot and using Ax as a skunk-gun? :(

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    1. I am sorry for the lack of fanfic. I am in my last semester of college, graduating in the spring, so things are pretty nuts right now! So I am only updating approx. every other week, rather than every week. Don't worry, though. There's only about three segments left, so it will get finished :)

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    2. Not good enough. You have readership now. You can have that, or this foolishness called a "life." You have amused the masses which only whets our appetite! We cannot be sated.

      But seriously, if you quit or have kids before you cover the whole series, we'll find out where you live.

      Actually, that might seem less creepy if I wasn't the first commenter two weeks in a row. I only meant it as a compliment.

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    3. Dude, don't be a creeper. I know it's meant to be tongue in cheek, but just... don't. Calm down.

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    4. Well, I can SORT OF see your point, but there really is no particular reason to share with the world how you think of this book! Keep your opinions to yourself!! You are just hurting the people who love the books, Cannoli!!! JUST SHUT UP!!!!!!!

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    5. ^ Not sure if sarcastic or not.

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  2. Oh, and kudos on the tombstones. Funny stuff. I should also mention this was a much better review of an Alternamorph than I would have thought possible. I am fairly sure that most kids just read it in the manner you describe it, i.e., make a choice, see what happens and immediately check out the other choices. Actually, this might have been one of the easier CYOABs to read, since she didn't lure down a long chain of choices before killing you off. Only one survivable option per choice event, means you don't have to flip back so far.

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  3. This
    this book
    this f*****g book.
    why didn't you just skip it.
    at least tell me you aren't gonna review veggiemorphs too?

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    1. Adam really wanted to do it! Dun look at me.

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    2. Your tears give me sustenance.

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    3. Oh god, yes. Review Veggiemorphs! I had forgotten all about that.

      Oh, wow. That was TERRIBLE. It was just so, so, bad.

      Um, I mean, it's great! You guys should read it. I think you'll like it.

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    4. Ah-a-HEM! http://babbletrish.blogspot.com/2012/01/in-which-trish-reads-vegemorphs-so-adam.html

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    5. Trish already did it, but I am sort of curious...

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  4. Haha great tombstones :)

    I commend you guys on taking the time to review this book, and figuring out how to format the whole thing. Actually I commend you for reading the actual thing- I couldn't stand the character "You" b/c "you" was such an idiot. I was also annoyed that the hyena and giraffe morph was wasted on this book. Like, seriously?

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  5. Ifi, if you make another fanfic it should be a choose-your-own-adventure.

    You are Visser 3. What will you do?
    -To turn into a horrible, multiple limbed monstrosity, turn to page 4
    -To turn into a slightly more horrible monstrosity, turn to page 6
    -To pet a cat, turn to page 10.

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  6. The only thing I remember about this one was the fact that Ax was eating red licorice at some point: here in Italy we usually only have black licorice, so I didn't know the red one really existed before my first trip to Ikea. So, reading the book, I was kinda... weirded out by the red licorice (and that's saying something about the overall quality of the book in question).

    And yes, onions are AWESOME on pizza! My favourite pizza is the one with onions and tuna, FYI.U____U

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    1. Red licorice is the best! Most people in the US really really dislike black licorice. It's sort of an acquired taste, and nobody gives it to little kids anymore, so only older people really eat it. But red licorice is awesome. I like to bite off the ends and drink soda through it because I am apparently a bad stereotype.

      Goddamn now I want some twizzlers.

      I love onions on pizza, but why would you do that to perfectly respectable tuna? Tuna and CHEESE? Come on man. That's a crime.

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    2. You would think that he'd find the taste of black to be more pleasing in its extremity and the fact of the aftertaste. Red licorice is just kind of there - sweet and vaguely fruit-flavored, but not sharp or anything. Blandly sweet. Not in a bad way at all, but still not the kind of thing you'd expect Ax to go for.

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    3. Probably nobody thought to give it to him, or even go out and buy it. I don't think I've ever met somebody my own age who likes black licorice.

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    4. A world of only black licorice... I can't even imagine.

      Also, tuna + cheese = Tuna Melt! On a pizza though, I agree, seems a little weird.

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    5. Well, Italian pizza is kinda different from the US one, I guess... Onion and tuna pizza is a classic, here, and can be found nearly everywhere.U___U

      http://www.prodal.eu/public/specialita/pizze/tonno_cipolla.jpg

      Also, Ifi, please, if you write your CYOA fanfiction/book, I'll be your slave (...for, let's say, a week). I promise.

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    6. Ifi: I'm only a little older than you and I like black licorice.

      Well, I like black licorice-flavored jelly beans. I've never actually seen the proper stuff for sale.

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  7. Male lions do often help out when the pride is hunting large prey such as a giraffe: http://scienceblogs.com/tetrapodzoology/2008/06/killing_giraffes_on_roads.php That said, they left out the part about how long it would take for even a pride to actually bring a giraffe down.

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  8. "Ifi: The Day Marco Lost His Pants has more of a plotline than this
    Adam: Okay, you can go write a CYOA book now.
    Ifi: I would. And it would be amazing.
    Adam: make your dreams come true.
    Ifi: Watch me."

    DO THIS AND I WILL NAME MY CHILDREN AFTER YOU

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  9. Off-topic but I thought you guys should be aware of this: http://info.allaboutbirds.org/help-name-the-hawk/?utm_campaign=Help-Name-the-Hawk&utm_source=Facebook

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    1. What kind of idiots are they? They have a male red-tailed hawk, the solution should be OBVIOUS.

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    2. Bleeding Ass Murphy?

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  10. I never got to read the first Alternamorphs, but I did read the second one, and I was also extremely ANNOYED at the fact that they pretty much forced you to take one morph/path and one morph/path only. I wanted to be a Hork-Bajir, dammit!

    And there's one death/ending that disturbs me the most...The one where you get forced to stay in fly morph. That was, to me, even worse than the whole trapping David in rat morph at the end of his trilogy. And I think their reasoning for doing that was bullshit too.

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  11. Alright, i couldn't even FINISH this review.
    I have not read the book, but it sounded so damn interesting to get to do one of those CYOA books for a plotline i actually understand.
    But from what i read, it was absolute crap. I'm not wasting my money on it anymore. e.e I just basically got the plot in a much more entertaining way.

    I Couldn't finish it because of the pure idiocracy of the ghost writter who wrote this!!! WHO WROTE THIS?!?!? -gets flame thrower.-

    Hoenstly. whoever the hell wrote this needs to get some sanity.

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  12. The lion on the cover was the lion that attacks your giraffe morph?

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  13. You did not just quote Doctor Who to handwave a CYOA book. I both hate and love you for that.

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  14. Aw, man. I was hoping you'd comment on how "You're not terribly swell at making friends." (direct quote)

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  15. The jaguar ending is pretty cool, even though you die. There's no "Oops! You're roadkill! Go back and try again," at the bottom of the page, so I think THAT'S THE ONLY ALTERNATE ENDING IN THE BOOK. Read it again and think about it. Those last words "and you know it's too late." That's the scariest ending in the book, because IT COULD BE CANNON. It goes like this: "You" die. The others re-create the rip and escape. And "you" are erased from the timestream. "You" are ERASED FROM THEIR MEMORIES. THE OTHERS TELL THE STORY AND DON'T REMEMBER "YOU". "YOU" NEVER EXISTED.


    ...or maybe I'm over-thinking it.

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