Six Days The Animorphs Were Idiots
The Day Jake Got So Wasted: Part Four
The Andalite Council met outside. It appeared that the Andalites did just about everything outside.
Cassie wondered what they did when it rained.
“No girls? Andalites are the most sexist species ever,” griped Rachel.
<It’s true,> said Ax placidly.
Cassie shushed them both. The Andalite Council appeared to be made up of older Andalites (and were, as Rachel observed, all male). None of them appeared very impressed by the humans. Some looked downright annoyed.
<We are missing a human,> said one of the oldest Andalites once everyone was assembled.
“Jake’s sick,” said Cassie. “He’s, uh, lying down.”
<Is he contagious?> worried another Andalite.
“No, no,” said Cassie. “He’ll be fine in a few hours.”
<Which of you speaks for the group?> asked the eldest. He seemed to be in charge, even though Ax said that there was no official ‘head’ of the council and nobody was supposed to be more powerful than anyone else.
“Eff,” muttered Marco.
“I do!” said Rachel. “Isn’t that right, guys?”
“Uh, right,” said Cassie. “Princess Rachel speaks for the group because she is charismatic and reasonable and completely sane.”
“Shut up, Cassie,” said Princess Rachel.
<We regret to inform you that we cannot spare the resources to fight the Yeerks on your planet at this time,> said the Councilmember who was probably in charge. <Our fleet is stretched too thin as it is. I believe you were told to await our assistance.>
“We can wait,” said Rachel. “We don't particularly want you to blow up the Earth anyway. But at least give us some proper weapons. I want my own shredder. And morphs. I want Andalite DNA, so I can tail-blade duel with Visser Three. And I want a ship. Not a fighter, a legit ship. But a small one that I can fit in my yard. And a backup shredder, in case the first one breaks. And some arsiths to boss around. And—”
“And I want a pony,” muttered Marco.
“—will take one of those psychic trees, too. Box it up for me.”
<Councilmembers!> interrupted Ax, clearly sensing disaster. <These humans have brought gifts for you, as a sign of their goodwill.>
<Gifts?> One of the youngest councilmembers looked interested.
<We have no need for human trinkets,> said the eldest, in true condescending Andalite fashion.
“You’ll like these,” said Cassie. “Who has the cooler, guys?”
“I do,” said Toby. “As the rest of you appeared to have forgotten about it. I don’t appreciate that I’ve had to carry it around all day.”
<That Hork-Bajir spoke,> said another Councilmember, looking surprised. <Coherently.>
“That Andalite stated the obvious,” snarked Toby. “Pointlessly.”
“Toby!” scolded Cassie. “I know your mother doesn’t let you talk like that.”
Toby grumbled a half-hearted apology.
“Okay, you guys are gonna want to morph humans for this one, since you have no mouths,” said Marco, kneeling down and opening up the cooler that Toby had been dragging around all day without anyone noticing. “What do we have here…? Okay, chips, ice cream…crap, we forgot cups.”
<I am not morphing a human,> said the eldest Councilmember.
“Fine. More for everyone else,” said Marco. “Who wants to go first?”
<I want to try,> said the younger Councilmember, the one who had spoken earlier. He came forward to look at what Marco was doing—opening a can of soda.
<What do you think you’re doing, Councilmember Fandor? Get back here!> yelled the eldest.
“You can use my DNA, if you want,” said Marco. “We brought extra pants.”
<What are pants?>
“Covering my eyes now,” said Cassie, turning away from the proceedings.
There was some more talking, a bit of fighting, and a short explanation of how zippers worked before Tobias said, <Okay, it’s safe to look now,> from his usual spot on Toby’s head.
Two Marcos stood before her on the grass. One of them wasn’t wearing a shirt. The real Marco passed a can of Pepsi over to the morphed Andalite.
“Pour it into your mouth and swallow the liquid,” directed Ax, who was also in his human morph and eyeing the prepackaged cinnamon buns covetously.
Fandor looked a little nervous but, to his credit, did as Ax said. Everyone watched carefully for his reactions. The other Councilmembers looked as though they were expecting him to fall down dead.
The can of soda landed on the grass. Ax rescued it and cradled it against his chest.
“Give!” demanded Fandor, when he was finally capable of speech again.
“You dropped it. It is mine now.”
“Ax,” scolded Cassie. “I know your mother doesn’t let you talk like that.”
“He dropped it,” whined Ax.
There was a brief scuffle between the Andalites that was eventually broken up by Marco giving each of them their own soda. After downing an entire can in less than a minute, Fandor was now sitting on the grass, too overcome by the sensation to stand upright on only two wobbly human legs.
“Bubbles,” rhapsodized Fandor. “Rising upward and filling the soul with light and joyous fizziness!”
<Councilmember Fandor has been poisoned,> announced the eldest Councilmember to nobody in particular. <And now he dies in the throes of hysteria.>
“Their planet must be liberated immediately!” cried Fandor, pointing at the Animorphs. “Medi! At! Lee! FIZINESS!”
<I want to try some,> said another Councilmember.
“ZZZZ. Zuh. Zzz. NO IT IS MINE. Mmmm. Ness. Ess.”
Twenty minutes later, a fistfight broke out over a gallon of mint ice cream.
The last of the Andalite suns was beginning to set on the horizon, casting long shadows across the fields. The Animorphs had been sent away while the Council debated sending an armada to Earth and also divvied up the pretzels.
“Shut up and let me think!” yelled Cassie.
“Don’t yell at me!” yelled Rachel.
“Don’t yell at me!” retorted Cassie.
“Don’t yell,” moaned Jake, rolling over onto his stomach and covering his ears with his arms.
“Look,” said Marco. “We have two options. We can sit back and let the Andalites trash the Yeerks and put Earth down as collateral damage, or we can tell Visser Five she needs to get peace declared now.”
<We didn’t think this through all the way, did we?> said Tobias.
“I don’t like Visser Five’s plan,” said Cassie.
“I don’t like Visser Five,” said Toby.
“I think she does want what’s best for her people,” said Marco. “But I’m not saying I don’t think she’ll sell us out if she has to. Right now we’re just lucky that she’s decided what’s best for her people also happens to be good for us.”
“Fooling the entire galaxy into wanting peace is wrong,” persisted Cassie.
<Is it though?> asked Tobias. <I mean, imagine peace gets declared tomorrow and the Yeerks start, I dunno, building themselves robot bodies and freeing their hosts and not killing people, would that be so bad?>
“So the ends justify the means?” demanded Cassie.
<Sometimes, yeah,> said Tobias. <Besides, I don’t think the means are so bad. Nobody’s getting hurt, or killed.>
“Oh my God, Cassie, grow up,” said Rachel. “Lying to start a war, yeah, that’s wrong. But lying to end one? Do you not see a difference?”
“Well, obviously, but—”
“There’s bad lies and there’s good lies, okay? Like me telling you that those fugly overalls are okay to wear in public—”
“Can you leave my overalls out of this?”
“—that’s a lie that doesn’t get anyone killed. A bad lie would be something like…I dunno…”
<There’s no alcohol in that, it’s just cream,> supplied Tobias.
“That doesn’t count,” said Rachel. “It was hilarious.”
“You guys aren’t taking this seriously at all!” whined Cassie.
“Okay, Cassie,” said Marco. “The Andalites are leaving for Earth in as soon as the Pepsi runs out. You have until then to talk the Yeerks and Andalites into declaring peace. Let’s hear how you’d do it.”
“I don’t have a solution! You can’t expect me to come up with one!”
<I believe I speak for everyone when I say Visser Three ought to be brought to justice,> said Ax.
“Okay, there’s that,” granted Marco. “If peace is declared, he’ll probably get off scot-free. I dunno how we could get around that.”
<We could sneak onto his ship and assassinate him,> suggested Ax. <Preferably after he has vacated Alloran’s body. Without his morphs, he would not be the threat to us that he is currently. Then we could defeat him. Force him from his new body. And eat him.>
“Eat him?” Marco repeated blankly.
<Yes. Yeerks are, after all,> Ax stomped one hoof on the grass, <photosynthetic.>
The horrified silence was broken only by the sound of Cassie vomiting down the front of her overalls.
end of day five
Next Week: The Day Ax Went Around Just Being Generally Awesome
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