Saturday, July 14, 2012

Alternamorphs 2: The Next Passage


The Summary
One day, Tobias grows to colossal size and terrorizes the west coast. Since he is so large, he preys on dozens of humans a day. The Animorphs pursue him, but are unable to make him see past his hunger. The United States Air Force is no match for him, and he sends dozens of F-16's spiraling to earth in plumes of smoke within his first few hours as a giant. The President gets on national television and makes a speech saying that this is probably the end of the world so everyone ought to eat lots of candy while there is still time.

In a clever publicity stunt, the Yeerks reveal themselves to humans and claim that they are here to save everyone from the insane bird thing. Humanity is thrilled, the Animorphs facepalm. Visser Three gets a parade in his honor. Then the Yeerks attack Tobias with their Bug Fighters, but Tobias is too powerful, and knocks the opposition from the air in a breathtaking battle!

At the climax of the story, the Blade Ship comes down into the atmosphere to engage Tobias. Tobias is swift and agile, but the Blade Ship is armed with powerful cannons. In the end, Tobias is fatally wounded, and crashes to earth. His impact kills thousands instantly and kicks up dust storms across the country.

Rachel runs to her boyfriend's body, despite the other Animorphs telling her not to. Tobias apologizes for his impolite behavior, and then dies in a heartwrenching scene. Rachel cries, and a single tear lands on Tobias' heart, bringing him back to life and also inexplicably shrinking him back down to normal size. Tobias is saved by the power of love and everyone agrees to just pretend like none of this ever happened.

The Review
Adam: We should do review thing soon
Ifi: x_X If we must
Adam: It’s getting a bit late
Ifi: Fine
Ifi: So
Ifi: Bad book
Ifi: Or worst book
Adam: Eh.
Adam: it's an improvement over the last CYOA one.
Adam: I would in no way say it is good.
Adam: But now you have two potential plots!
Adam: So that is a step up.
Adam: I guess.
Ifi: Baby steps

Ifi: Let's talk about this cover
Ifi: Tobias
Ifi: What
Ifi: What are you doing Tobias
Ifi: this book is not about you
Adam: The cover for the first Alternamorphs would have been much more applicable.
Ifi: RIGHT?
Ifi: Oh and look--the main cover image?
Ifi: Is IDENTICAL to Tobias in the corner there
Adam: He's grown so large
Adam: That's he's taken up the whole cover.
Ifi: Brilliant idea--instead of reviewing this book, we make up a story about the day Tobias grew to a colossal size and terrorized the west coast
Adam: Put that one in your idea jar for later.


Ifi: So for some reason, Rachel does an intro that everybody skipped
Ifi: Also, at the end of it, there is a terrifically bad doodle
Adam: Wait, what?
Ifi: idk my pdf has some horrible pencil drawing
Ifi: at the bottom of Rachel's speech
Adam: That's just you.
Adam: May I see?


Adam: Huh. Never seen that one before.
Ifi: Maybe whoever scanned the book in was moved to create art?
Ifi: And just had to share it with the world?
Adam: Why is the Hork-Bajir so short and the girl so tall?
Ifi: What is the thing in the lower right corner?
Adam: A Gedd, I'm pretty sure.
Ifi: There are no Gedds in this book.
Ifi: Actually there aren't any Taxxons, either
Ifi: Ok so I have NO idea
Adam: I am pretty sure it is just some promotional art that you were lucky enough to end up with.
Ifi: Hooray for me.

Ifi: So you are the new kid in school and you have no friends so you spend your days throwing rocks at a wall

You know the part.

Played it half a dozen times.

Your first day at a new school, the kids give you curious glances. A few say hi. Most don’t. A concerned teacher assigns some suck-up to show you around. Help you find the cafeteria and the bathrooms.

The only kids paying attention to you are the ones you wish would leave you alone. Losers. Too friendly types. The normal ones are too busy with their lives to worry about some new kid.

Lunch. You eat it alone at the corner of some cafeteria table.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Huh. This sort of reminds me of...but no, that would be stupid…

You’re heading out of the lot when you see it. A small box nestled down inside the concrete block that fell apart. Sky-blue. Very plain. Small. Maybe five inches to each side.

Something about it draws you closer.

You glance over your shoulder before you yank it out of the block. The box feels heavy for its size. You feel something when you pick it up. Something like an electric charge. Only it’s not painful.

You hold the thing up to the fading light. There’s writing on it. Not English or any language you recognize. Maybe it’s Greek or Egyptian.

You slip the box into your book bag. The thing looks valuable. You wonder how much you can get for it on the internet. As soon as you get home, before dinner even, you post a few messages.

The blue box is available to the highest bidder.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: ...
Ifi: I'm David.
Ifi: Why
Ifi: WHY
Ifi: WHY AM I DAVID
Adam: Because everyone loved him so much?
Ifi: WHY AM I THE SINGLE MOST HATED CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE FANDOM?
Adam: Perhaps they want to give you a chance to do a better job in his situation?
Ifi: Just...
Ifi: What the HELL author
Ifi: Who ok'd this project?
Adam: Somebody who likes free money.

Ifi: Apparently You from the last Alternamorphs was such a horrible failure that the Animorphs kicked him/her out.
Adam: They apparently hated the previous narrator so much that they are giving David a second shot instead.
Ifi: Wow that's
Ifi: Pretty sad
Adam: That's just the kind of book this is.

Adam: So anywho, you are David. You're sitting around in an abandoned construction site, vandalizing things, worshipping Satan, doing whatever David things David does.
Ifi: For some reason, the book decides to give you a recap of everything that happened in the first David book, up to the point where Visser Three shows up in your room
Ifi: And we FINALLY get a choice

<Now, let’s make this simple,> comes a commanding voice in your head. <I want the blue box. I will have the blue box. Or all of you will die.>

You scramble to your feet. The box is in your backpack. “Fine!” you shout. “I’ll give you the box. Just leave us alone!”

<No!> Another voice in your head. You have no idea where the voice is coming from, but you know this message is meant for you.

<Listen to me,> the new voice says urgently. <I’m on your side! We can get you out of here alive. But whatever you do, don’t give up that box.>

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: If you turn over the box, go to chapter 4. If you refuse, go to chapter 5
Adam: Well, I say give him the box. He seems like a perfectly reasonable individual.
Ifi: If you give him the box, the book actually asks you, "What were you thinking?"
Ifi: Following the long-established tradition of there only being one path where you don't die in these books.
Adam: There is a second part later on, but we will get to that later.
Ifi: For now, it's basically the same as the first one.
Ifi: Choose right, or die dead.
Adam: Or in this case, doing the thing that will obviously get you captured and made into a controller ends up getting you captured and made into a controller.
Ifi: Yeah the choices in this section were not even choices
Ifi: Or should I say "choice"
Ifi: Because there's only one
Ifi: before you get to the main plot
Ifi: Did the person who wrote this even know what a cyoa was?
Ifi: I'm putting money on 'no'
Adam: And this book is still an improvement over the last one, mind you.

Adam: So, you escape, the Animorphs give you the morphing power, blahdyblahdyblah
Adam: And then shit gets weird.

Raindrops hover in the air.

You’re frightened, amazed. It’s as if the whole world were a video and someone hit the “pause” button.

You feel small and powerless and terribly alone. Somehow…forgotten. You have an overwhelming desire to stand still, to blend in with the frozen world.

A raccoon stands up on its hind legs. You jump about two feet. Especially when the raccoon walks through its wire cage. Simply passes through the bars like they’re air.

The raccoon lumbers to you, and puts one black-and-white paw on your knee. He looks into your eyes and says <I am the Ellimist.>

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Ugh
Ifi: Ellimist go home
Ifi: You don't even go here
Adam: The Ellimist is adorably passive aggressive in this book.

“You stopped the rain?”

<Yes.>

You relax a hair. Almost. This, this Ellimist—whatever it is—doesn’t seem to mean you any harm.

“Why?” you ask.

BECAUSE YOU’VE ANGERED ME!

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Typical David
Ifi: This was the only part of the book I had no trouble believing
Adam: So, by not going insane and trying to kill everyone, narrator!David has somehow screwed up the whole space time continuum.
Ifi: Damn it David!

“Is something bad going to happen because of me?” you ask.

THAT DEPENDS.

“Depends? Depends on what?”

YOUR WORTH. YOU WILL TAKE A TEST TO MEASURE YOUR WORTH.

“What kind of test?” you ask, trying to sound strong.

DO WELL AND I WILL SAVE YOUR FAMILY FROM THE YEERKS. DO POORLY AND YOU WILL DIE.

“What kind of test?” you ask again.

The threads disappear. The darkness disappears. Now you are floating in a plain white void.

CHOOSE.

You look down. In your hand is a remote control with two round buttons. One is marked A. The other is marked B.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Oh.
Ifi: Uh.


Ifi: I cannot stress how stupid, forced, pointless, and clichéd the 'choice' thing was
Adam: You know how in the past book, the ghostwriter was missing the point of CYOA books by giving you no choices, and only one set path?
Adam: Now they've gone in the opposite direction.
Adam: You have choices, but are given no data as to their potential outcomes, so you are essentially choosing at random.
Adam: And if you have to flip a coin to choose, then you really aren't choosing at all.
Ifi: Adam.
Ifi: I don't want to review this book
Ifi: I don't waaaaaaaaaaaaant to
Adam: We must!
Adam: Think of the children!
Ifi: FINE just press button A
Adam: Boop

You are surrounded by color! Primary colors everywhere! Red, blue, yellow. Wherever you are, the place seems to have been built of brilliantly colored blocks like Legos.

Coming straight at you is a gaggle of aliens!

Ugly aliens. Heads thrust forward on long necks. Triangular faces with the point toward the top. Pink eyes stuck on short stalks. Gaping mouths with fat blue tongues and tiny blue tinged teeth inside.

Eight, ten of them. All thought-speaking at once.

<Human, sell me your memories!>

<Come visit my nightmare theater!>

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Adam: Now we're on the Iskoort homeworld.
Adam: Yay! Something from a book that was actually good!
Ifi: How dare this writer sully the best book in this series with his utter incompetence and devotion to the forces of darkness?
Adam: You're seriously a downer sometimes.
Ifi: Oh and Erek's here too

YOU WILL FIGHT THE HOWLERS AGAIN. THIS TIME IT WILL BE EIGHT AGAINST SEVEN. YOU WILL HAVE AN EXTRA ALLY—FOR BETTER OR FOR WORSE.

“Why do I get the idea he knows something we don’t?” Marco asks.

Rachel shrugs. “We won last time. How hard will it be to beat them again?”

I WILL ERASE YOUR MEMORY OF THIS PLACE. YOU WILL BEGIN THE TEST AGAIN.

“That is so not fair!” Marco says.

“What’s not fair?” Jake asks.

“Huh?” Marco asks. “What are you talking about?”

“I—I don’t know.”

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Ok so this is a shameless rehash of The Attack
Adam: The whole memory wipe thing is hilariously inconsistent.
Adam: Half the time they remember the previous Howler encounter.
Ifi: It's like the author copypasted parts of the original book and then just went through and switched it all to second person
Adam: Pretty much.
Adam: So anyway, the Ellimist decides to give you some random morphs, so you have something to do.

AND TO THE NEWEST ANIMORPH, CHOOSE YOUR MORPHS. I WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH THOSE YOU DO NOT HAVE. ANDALITE, SHARK, AND KOMODO DRAGON. OR FLY, HAWK, AND HORK-BAJIR.

“What is this—McDonald’s?” Marco asks. “Do you want fries with that?”

Ax’s main eyes flicker toward you. Why? Does he dislike the idea of you morphing an Andalite?

YOUR FRIENDS CANNOT HELP YOU. CHOOSE.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: If you choose Andalite, shark, and Komodo Dragon, go to chapter 8. If you choose fly, hawk, and Hork-Bajir, go to chapter 11
Ifi: Pfft what kind of choice is this?
Adam: Which is strange, as there is a pretty big time gap between the David trilogy and book 26, so you'd figure that you'd have some battle morphs by now.
Ifi: Andalite shark and komodo dragon. Best choice EVER.
Adam: …You're on a mile high up skyscraper.
Ifi: SHARKTIME
Adam: What the cha is a shark supposed to do?
Ifi: FUCK SHIT UP
Adam: Flop around.
Adam: Maybe bonk someone in the knee.
Ifi: Anyway this "choice" isn't a choice at all. If you choose the cool animals, you die almost immediately
Adam: Well, you can choose whether to go into battle as an Andalite or a komodo.
Adam: Hint: both die.
Ifi: I would have been a shark and then rolled myself towards the Howlers like a log, taking them all with me in one fell swoop as I went careening off the edge
Adam: That's just wonderful. I'm proud of you for having thought up such a brilliant strategy.

Ifi: Ok so now we'll try the other batch of random animals
Adam: Now you have some flying morphs, which affords you the strategy of running away like frightened bunnies.
Ifi: Which you do
Ifi: To be fair, that's the only way to beat the Howlers even in the book that doesn't suck
Adam: True.
Adam: So, you escape, track down Guide again, and go to a hotel, which the Howlers promptly shoot full of bug spray.
Adam: Wow, deja vu.
Ifi: Wow
Ifi: Just wow.
Adam: Don't you love this book?
Ifi: I honestly didn't even come away from this feeling like I'd read a new book, since it was resolved in the EXACT SAME WAY as the original
Adam: Originality is a valued quality in the publishing industry.

Ifi: Also Cassie dies
Ifi: She just does
Ifi: I think it's your fault but I sort of shut my brain off at this point
Ifi: So who knows


Adam: I think that may be the only sane reaction.

Ifi: Rachel makes you promise to stay the hell out of her way. You can choose to agree or refuse. No points for guessing what refusing gets you.
Adam: Stuck in a jar!
Adam: Yaaaaay.

Ax’s voice. Ax telling you to morph fly.

You’re a prisoner, but not of the Howlers.

You’re a prisoner of the Animorphs.

<Why are you doing this to me?> you ask.

Silence.

And then Rachel’s voice. <You’re a risk. We have to get rid of you before you get anyone else killed.>

It takes two hours for you to become a nothlit. A person trapped in morph.

Two hours of horror.

You spend it crying, threatening, pleading.

You know when the two hours are up because someone lifts the glass and sets you free.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Holy shit Animorphs, that was really creepy and uncalled for!
Adam: Seriously.
Ifi: He hasn't even TOUCHED his baseball bat yet
Adam: They nothlited original David because he went crazy and tried to kill everyone!
Adam: This one just made a decision that turned out to be the wrong one in retrospect.
Ifi: The moral that I take away from this is: Don't fuck with Rachel.
Adam: …Seems fair.
Ifi: So you agree, it's the right choice, and hooray, you get sped along to the ending of The Attack with no more effort on your part
Ifi: Wow that was horrible.
Ifi: Oh and you get Cassie back
Ifi: because
Ifi: reasons
Adam: You were going to get your parents back

YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST.

“Thanks.”

BUT THE COST WAS HIGH. YOUR ACTIONS TOOK A LIFE. I WILL DO THE SAME.

“What? What do you mean?” you holler. “We had a deal. If I won, you would save my parents!”

ONE.

“That wasn’t the deal!”

YOU MUST CHOOSE.

[...]
“I choose Cassie,” you say.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Cassie is your mom?
Adam: Dun dun dunnnnnnnn
Ifi: We already did this twist with Marco
Adam: Marco is your mom also?
Ifi: Yes I have two moms

Adam: So you win.
Adam: Except your parents are controllers.
Adam: But whatevs, you get a parade.

Ifi: Ugh let's just see if button B sucks any less
Ifi: Go back alllllll the way to the beginning


Adam: So now you are in the plot of Megamorphs 2.
Ifi: ...
Ifi: Soooo
Ifi: this author was COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of coming up with a unique situation?
Adam: We have already established that.
Ifi: Yes but
Ifi: AUGH
Ifi: I'm just
Ifi: gonna go cry
Adam: This book is designed purposely to wring tears from you.

Ifi: So you get chased by a T-rex because, as I said earlier, you can't publish a book in the 90's with dinosaurs and not have a t-rex in it
Adam: Actually we are in the early 00's by now.
Ifi: whateva

CHOOSE YOUR MORPH. COCKROACH OR WOLF.

The Ellimist.

“What are you doing?” you yell. “Trying to get me killed?”

You open your eyes. Expecting to be safe. Expecting to see the world on “pause.”

“HRRRRRRRROOOOAAAARRRR!” Inches away from your nose, powerful jaws roar open. You see rows of teeth, a sofa-size tongue.

“Aaaaggggghhh!” you scream.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: I WILL TAKE DOWN THIS T-REX WITH MY WOLF FORM
Ifi: NO REALLY GUYS
Ifi: I GOT THIS
Ifi: WOLVES FOUGHT T-REXES ALL THE TIME


Adam: You get the expected reaction.
 
Ifi: Ok so there is more running away
Adam: It is that sort of book.
Adam: Even the original one was.

Jake, Cassie, Marco, Rachel and Ax fill you in on their adventures while you chew on what turns out to be T-rex shish kebabs.

Here’s the deal:

Ax killed the T-rex seconds before it killed Marco.

Cassie figured out how to turn the T-rex hide into food and shoes.

Rachel used a couple of twigs to start a fire.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Adam: You did absolutely nothing.
Ifi: *headdesk*
Ifi: Honestly? I can't even make any jokes about this.
Ifi: It speaks for itself
Adam: It is that sort of book

Ifi: Then THEY'RE FLOCKING THIS WAY
Ifi: So you have to run
Ifi: Don't morph, you'll die
Ifi: Just run on foot
Adam: Sauropod stampede.
Adam: Well, that seems totally reasonable.

Everyone is buzzed with energy and nerves. You decide to keep walking even though it’s dark. You trudge through the grass for a few miles. You stop and doze. You get up and trudge some more.

Nobody knows where you’re going. But somehow walking makes you feel better.

Gradually the sky lightens and the sun comes up. More trudging. And now you’re beginning to think that sitting down and never walking again would be a nice plan.

“Oh, man, look,” Jake says. “I think we’re coming up on some kind of big gorge or whatever.” 
You march up to it. A huge canyon. You’re on the edge of a valley hundreds of feet deep and miles across.

The valley isn’t empty. Down there, spread across a mile of valley floor, are glittering, shining buildings. And hovering over them is something that looks like a flying saucer.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Oh
Ifi: I guess you found the whatsemcalleds
Adam: The ant guys.
Adam: Nesk
Adam: That was it.
Adam: Nesk.

Ifi: If you decide to pretend you never saw the city, go to chapter 24. If you decide to investigate, go to chapter 25.
Adam: Turn around and go home.
Adam: Just like we should have.
Ifi: As evidenced by the fact that it there is only one chapter between the choices, it should pretty obvious that leaving gets you killed in a random way that nobody could have anticipated

Rachel is already starting to morph. She’s growing, sprouting grizzly fur. “What’s a Deinonychus?”

“Aren’t those the baddies from Jurassic Park?” you ask.

“Those were Velociraptors,” Marco says.

“What’s the difference?” Cassie asks.

<Deinonychus are bigger,> Tobias says, sounding puzzled. <It’s weird. Paleontologists say Deinonychus was a smart pack-hunter. But this one is alone.>

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: TAHA you're idiots
Adam: So, apparently the punishment for ignoring the plot is getting eaten.
Ifi: Ok so let's flip to the page where you check out the city.

“We’ve got to get down there somehow,” you say. “Investigate. Maybe whoever built that city can help us figure out a way home.”

FLASH!

The valley disappears.

The prehistoric landscape vanishes.

You and the others are sitting in the middle of an empty IMAX theater. You have the best seat in the house. Center seat of the center row.

Cassie, Ax, and Tobias are on your right. Marco, Rachel, and Jake are on your left.

A tub of buttered popcorn sits on your lap. There’s a supersize soda in the cup holder.

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: Oh
Ifi: It uh
Ifi: It appears
Ifi: It appears that, uh, we…
Ifi: uh, we…
Ifi: ...
Ifi: I got nothing
Adam: Well.
Adam: Um.
Adam: Okay.

Adam: The moral of the story is that if you want to succeed, let everyone else do everything for you.

YOU HAVE PASSED THE TEST.

The theater disappears.

The Animorphs disappear.

You’re in the backseat of your parents’ car. Your dad is driving and your mother is in the passenger seat. You’re following a big yellow moving truck. On the way to your new house.

“Mom?” you say in disbelief.

You remember everything—the battle in your bedroom, morphing, the Howlers, the T-rex. You also remember this car ride. It happened a week ago. Back before you ever spent a minute in your new school.

Your mother turns around and smiles at you. “What is it, sweetie?”

“Nothing.”

You feel like crying. You have it to do all over. Now you don’t ever have to go near that construction site. Now you don’t ever have to discover the blue box.

Unless you want to

----Alternamorphs #2, The Next Passage

Ifi: ...
Ifi: What.
Adam: Okay
Adam: So implications here.
Adam: The reasonable reaction is to get the cube, give yourself morphing powers, give it back to the Animorphs without letting them know where it came from, then leave town.
Adam: So what happens to the Animorphs if the David arc never happened?
Ifi: We don't get that weird-ass Crayak book later
Ifi: Where Rachel turns into Wolverine or whatever
Adam: I feel like we would be missing out without the sheer bizarrity of that cover.

Adam: So.
Ifi: Well then
Adam: This was a book.
Adam: It has words in it.
Ifi: Yep
Adam: Your version has pictures.
Ifi: One picture
Adam: Your version has picture.
Ifi: Yeah and it's terrible
Ifi: So
Ifi: It matches the rest of the book
Adam: Well, it was short
Ifi: Small favors
Adam: Okay, cool, now we have that out of the way
Ifi: I'M A SHARRRRRK
Adam: I'm sure you are.
Ifi: *rolls off the platform, taking seven Howlers and the author with her*

Adam: Anywho, next week is Megamorphs 4!
Adam: Stay tuned folks!

68 comments:

  1. I just read the first sentence of this review and was like "...it's too late for this s***; I'm going to bed."

    ReplyDelete
  2. Wow... that was terrible. I don't remember it being that terrible...

    The sad thing is the idea of the Alternamorphs isn't bad by itself, it's just no effort was put into the actual stories.

    And the Ellimist does jack-all in this book. If they wanted to include the Ellimist, why not add Crayak and ditch the David plot completely? Why not have the Drode or something pop up to a bored human offering an adventure? To the kid it's like 'Sure, why not, terrifying hell-spawn. I'm bored and you're probably a hallucination' and it can be a plot for Crayak to try to use the reader in (unintentionally) sabotaging the Animorphs. (Using the 'Wrong person in the right place' and 'screwing up the teams balance' logic) And, depending on what you do, the best ending could be you help the Animorphs save the world from the Yeerks and in the other you can cause Jake to die and the others to get captured, with lots of different endings spliced in between.

    Whatever, I guess that's what fanfiction is for.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be up for the reverse as well. Get rid of all the Ellimist ridiculousness, and just focus entirely on David. Give you the option of snapping and trying to kill everyone, but also show what have happened had someone who was actually sane, or even a decent person been in his position.

      What's so sad about these books is that they are just so much wasted potential.

      Delete
    2. My thoughts exactly.

      Delete
  3. "Give Yourself Goosebumps: Escape From Camp Run For Your Life" is similar to this book ch.5. You have 3 choices. Start a food fight, hide them under a napkin, but you choose to eat the eggs at breakfast in camp--

    You close your lips around the eggs. Wait a minute. Lets review the facts:
    1. This is a GOOSEBUMPS book
    2. Those eggs are blue
    You spit out the eggs.

    You go back and choose one of the other choices.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I TOTALLY FELL FOR THE SUMMARY AND WAS ACTUALLY WONDERING WHY I DONT REMEMBER ANY OF THAT HAPPENING OH MY GOD IM AN IDIOT!!! I HAVE BEEN LAUGHING FOR THE PAST 10 MINUTES MY FAMILY IS TRYING TO SLEEP AND THEY HATE MEH!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm going to out myself as a minority here and state that I am pro-David. He turned into a psycho, but given what happened to him, it's not surprising. His family's abducted, he's a wanted fugitive, and he's forced to sleep in a barn and become a soldier in a brutal fight for Earth's survival. The only people he knows have been jerks to him since Day 1. Had the Animorphs handled him differently he could have been a much different character. He wasn't evil, just scared and angry, like anyone would be. Send him to live with the Chee, leave him out of the big mission until he's trained, how hard is that? He's basically like Tobias except they actually like Tobias.

    Sorry, I wanted to talk about the book, I just... I got nothing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He's actually like the polar opposite of Tobias, in that his reaction to everything was selfish and self-oriented.

      More than anyone else, Tobias is all about the Animorphs, while David is all about David. Yes, they were wrong a lot, but nothing they do justifies attempting to kill them.

      I think David is more like Marco, without Jake to tolerate him and protect him from the trouble his mouth almost certainly would have got him into. Marco was always the most selfish and recreation-inclined of the group.

      It is awfully hard to come up with things to say about this book, isn't it?

      Delete
    2. Nah, Tobias is also selfish, in his own way.

      The issue with Tobias is that he is overly prideful, and obsessed with his own independence to the point of self destructive behavior. He does sacrifice a great deal for the group, but this is often less for the group's sake, than because he wishes to prove himself useful and because he hates receiving help, even for things where he would be far better off with some backup.

      Just my interpretation, of course.

      Delete
    3. No you're right, the thing is, it's hard to notice because we never get the PoV of everyone worrying about him while he's getting tortured or snapped and regressed to wild hawk for a few days. Also, his self-oriented choices don't blow back on the group like Cassie's or Marco's do (or I should say, the way his issues could directly harm the group is not as obvious as voluntarily becoming a Controller or sparing Visser One), so you tend not to realize how over-the-top stubborn he is.

      Maybe it would be better to say Tobias is internally selfish, while Marco is externally? Marco's all about the worldly comforts and getting his way on things that happen, while Tobias is more about his own choices and feelings. David, IMO, is more like Marco in his brand of selfishness, wanting TV & a bed and so forth.

      Delete
    4. My point was that David wasn't all that different from any normal kid. I didn't have a pet cobra, but when I was that age I had a bb gun and listened to some metal here and there. It didn't make me a Satanist or a sociopath. But if you treat someone like they're a jerk long enough, they'll start to become one.

      Even in her own interview, Applegate referred to David as a selfish, weak human being. (I can't find the actual page scan, but you guys had it up somewhere.) Even the author thought he was a waste of space, which probably explains his treatment by the Animorphs. The whole thing was written as though they knew he was evil from the start, but had to wait for him to actually do something evil so they could inevitably kill him. Nobody likes him or trusts him even before they add him to the team, and even before he betrays the team he has Marco joking about his family's infestation (MARCO, of all people) and Jake threatening to kill him if he doesn't follow orders. If he ran, they'd chase him. If he went to the Yeerks, they'd infest him. He's essentially a hostage, drafted into a war, with no allies to speak of. That kind of thing would screw with anyone, much less a child.

      And despite all that, I do like how that story played out. I like the shades of grey that this series can occupy at times, and the realistic fact that our protagonists aren't always good or right. They make mistakes, and have to live with the consequences. If the story had ended with "I'm sure glad we got rid of that evil David, now everything is wonderful!", I'd have pitched this book in the trash. They did a Bad Thing. Arguably a necessary evil, but nonetheless it should haunt them. Though we don't get many mentions of it later in the series (probably because of the Ghostwriters), I'd like to think this stuck with them for the rest of their lives. That's character development.

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    5. Well, yeah. The way the Anis treated David was closely resembling to bullying. But I think that was because as over the course of book 20, he showed his real personality, someone who doesn't care about what happens, as long as it doesn't affect him. The bullying started in book 21 after they got a taste of who David really was. And even then, even if people were being mean, they did offer him the option of just being hidden away, where the Yeerks couldn't find him. He declined, and then acted like he had to fight. And finally, when people are cracks about your family, or insult you, you don't TRY TO KILL THEIR WHOLE GROUP/FAMILY!

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  6. Megamorphs #4 already? Wow, I thought that one was closer to the end. As it is, sandwiched between a CYOA book, and #41, that's a heavy dose of alternate reality stories. Or maybe I got it late. I just remember reading it with knowledge of the Ellimist Chronicles and having a very bad feeling about the identity of the unnamed Animorph in that book.

    The giant Tobias thing was funny and it probably says something about the ghostwriters that I bought it as the actual plot.

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  7. It says a whole awful lot about the "Alternamorphs" that your fake summary (a) had me convinced that it was the actual plot of the book and (b) is by a wide margin less strange than the real plot.

    Is it me or does Tobias look so... cheerful... on the cover? And in the pencil drawing, it looks like Rachel ought to be singing something out of "Final Fantasy X-2".

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    Replies
    1. "your fake summary had me convinced that it was the actual plot of the book"

      Nah, the writers of these CYOA books are nowhere near that good. At least the fake summary *had* a plot. And some originality. And a story arc. And a tiny bit of logic.

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  8. Hmmm... Ifi the Rollling Shark vs. Tobias the Giant Bird... I wonder who'd win that one? (Sorry, the was beyond weird. I think this book's stupidity is infecting my brain or something.)

    Yeah, I got nothing. This is the one book I never actually read. Guess I wasn't missing much. Which is sad b/c, like other people have pointed out, the CYOA had the potential to be good. Oh well. At least this review was hilariously awesome :-)

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  9. I started cracking up halfway through the summary, and then really never stopped. You guys are too much, to make a really funny review out of such a bad book :)

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  10. Can we have the book with giant Tobias terrorizing the West Coast, please? I mean, I was expecting a review of book 41, one of my favorite despite that weird-ass ending, but then I discovered that this week you had to review this monumental piece of shit... I feel sorry for you guys.ç___ç
    (and next time we'll have Megamorphs 4 but that's cool 'cause I've never read that one. I do remember watching the episode from the tv series that was "loosely based on" that book. And it was shit. The episode, not the book)

    Okay, what can I say about this one? Nice review, great RIP drawings, and... I think that's all. This book was awful, and the author should be ashamed for having written something this ugly (and I mean s/he should still be ashamed, even right now).

    Oh, and yay for Dipper! I hope Mabel will pop-up in one of the next reviews.

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    1. I LOVE MEGAMORPHS 4!!! IT IS MY FAVORITE MEGAMORPHS!!

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  11. I honestly thought the summary you guys made up was real, too. God damn, we have hit the nadir of Animorphs books. Between this and that buffalo one, I'm kind of losing faith that the series gets good again. I guess this is why I stopped reading as a kid.

    I'm guessing the author was going for a "Put /yourself/ into the same adventures as the animorphs!!" thing, which is why they just rehashed old plots. ...Except since the story is told from the perspective of an already established character, it kind of falls apart.

    I'm actually really appalled that this book exists. It's like, every wrong decision they could make while writing it, they did.

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    1. In all seriousness, I think that the Animorphs series would be much better if it was compressed into about 25 bigger books or so, with most of the dumb filler books cut out.

      But don't worry! The series mostly picks up again after book 41, with one or two exceptions, and in my opinion most of the post #40 books are pretty damn awesome/disturbing/trippy/cool. :p

      But first we have to endure this trainwreck.

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  12. Um guys... this thingy exists.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=padboYpo_ZU

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    1. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

      Who...

      Who...

      Dying. I am dying. I am dead.

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    2. There is only so much that my poor brain is capable of handling. That threshold has long since passed.

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    3. My brother just walked by.

      Him: "What are you laughing at?"

      Me: ".... I can't even begin to explain."

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    4. I DON'T UNDERSTAND

      ANYTHING

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    5. Of course not, you're a shark.

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    6. It is pretty awesome.

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    7. OMG!!! LOOK AT THEIR COMMENTS THAT THEY PUT ON VIDEOS!!!YOU CAN FIND THEM ON THEIR CHANNEL! THAT IS SOME HORRIFYING BUFFY SHIT!!!!!! 'HAIRY BURGER OF LOVE DOWN THERE'???? WHAT THE HELL?!!!

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    8. Oh gosh. My brain. Gone. WHY?

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    9. thebuffylol seems to be insane!!! But when I reread them, they crack me up instead of disgust me.

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    10. They did one for the Book 6 review too:

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYusQrlJ2H8&feature=relmfu

      It's full of gems like these:

      "Stop laughing or I'll punch you!! I'm serious."

      "And thus the Earth is slaved..... Saved? I thought it was slaved. STOP LAUGHING!"

      "Adam can go... eat a chicken for all I care!"

      "What's an Andalite bandit? What... what's an Andalite, to be exact?"

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    11. I posted it on the review for book 6. I hope they keep doing them. They are AWESOME!

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    12. THERE IS ANOTHER ON!!
      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLzMQb-mgf0&feature=relmfu

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    13. Hey there. I'm the one posting these odd videos. Ifi, Adam, you seem really distressed by their existence. If you want me to stop, I will. Just give me the word.

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    14. Not distressed. Just...perplexed.

      By all means, feel free to continue.

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    15. If no one did things, human civilization would callapse. YOU MUST CONTINUE.

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    16. All right then! I definitely will!!!
      =D

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  13. Like everybody else in the comments, I also wish they went with the "Giant Killer Tobias saved by the power of love," thing. I really wanted to see Visser Three's parade . . . Please put some of this in the CYOA you're making, Ifi. I'll love you forever if you do.

    And SuperRachel is actually kind of like a strange mix between Wolverine and Sabretooth, because claw-wise she's got Wolverine's length and they are retractable, but they're within her fingertips like Sabretooth's are.

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    1. So she's totally Lady Deathstrike. (/X-Men nerd)

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    2. Sweet balls of fire, YES!

      And Jake is Cyclops and Cassie is Jean Grey. But without the Dark Phoenix arc.

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    3. If this makes Elfangor Professor X, Ax Beast, and Marco Deadpool, I am more than okay with this. :) One might even call The Departure Cassie's Dark Phoenix moment.

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    4. Which is the one who kills people by touching them and goes gothic?

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    5. That would be Rogue. I think she was only gothic-looking in the Evolution tv series. In the comics, she was a southern belle and member of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants who absorbed the powers and memories of any person she touched, and turned to the X-Men when the personality of Ms. Marvel that she permanently absorbed threatened to drive her insane.

      And Ax to me also has a bit of Nightcrawler in him, but he nicely fills out the, "fuzzy blue one who's good with some kind of a science/technology" kind of X-Man, either way. Visser Three is definitely Magneto, though.

      And would the Chee, Hork-Bajir, or the Auxiliaries be the Morlocks?

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    6. I would probably say that Visser One is Magneto, and Visser Three is the Juggernaut.

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    7. "I'M VISSER THREE, B!TCH!" *decapitates a subordinate and throws a cat*

      And Alloran's body paired with the morphing tech is his Gem of Cyttorak.

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    8. That needs fanart. At least a status update.

      I'd have to go with the Chee being the Shi'ar, just for the whole "advanced aliens with animalistic features" thing. Maybe the free Hork-Bajir as from the Savage Land, what with the dinosaur angle? *Has thought about this entirely too much*

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  14. I just imagined a giant pink shark rolling and mowing down the Howlers. I will have this image ingrained in my brain forever.
    By the way, Ifi, I imagine you looking exactly like your MS paint drawings of you. Like, exactly. And Adam, you're a blue pony with glasses. Or a mantis shrimp, whichever I remember when reading reviews.

    ANYWAY, I started reading this book and then I got sick of it and stopped. I congratulate you, for actually reading it! It sounds horrible. I wish they'd gone with the David route and made me choose to be a psychopath or suicide or whatever. Well, I guess since every other option here is DIE, that takes care of the suicide.

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  15. I AM SO DISAPPOINTED THAT YOUR SUMMARY WASN'T THE ACTUAL BOOK

    IFI PLEASE WORK A REFERENCE TO THIS INTO "YOU ARE RACHEL"

    Also, this book. Does David achieve anything at all even if he makes the *right* choices? Does this author even understand what storytelling *is*? Please, someone, PLEASE tell me this was ghostwritten because if this was actually Applegate's personal work I may have to find her and destroy her.

    My interpretation is that the events of this book are what drove David insane. Like us, he experienced and remembers every possible path through the book, because the Ellimist is a douchebag - including the path that ends with him being trapped in fly morph. When he was sent back to the beginning of his day to do it again, he decided that the Animorphs were his personal enemies and planned to destroy them from within.

    Yay Ellimist!

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    1. My gosh that theory... It makes too much sense!

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    2. You know that was actually p much what I was gonna say. David chooses the B button, gets zapped into a car with his parents, and tries to pretend he hallucinated everything. Only then everything starts happening again and he's like NOPE, NOT GOIN THROUGH THIS AGAIN. NEVER. and then we gt the david arc.

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    3. It's scary how much sense that makes.

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    4. Granted, but if he did know about all that, then he would know all about the blue box, and wouldn't have put it up on eBay. Either he would have given himself the morphing power and taken a different path, or dug a deep hole in the ground and buried the thing in concrete, or any of a dozen other options. The only way this makes sense is if David is just stupid enough to make the same mistake twice...

      Oh, right. This is ANIMORPHS.

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  16. It's like the ghostwriter heard of the typical Mary Sue self-insert seventh Animorph and decided that "Y'know what? I can make money on that bull." Because for serious, I've seen self-inserts written by hormonal thirteen-year-olds with more effort, logic, and originality put into a rehash of the canon with a new character pasted on yay!

    And they say Fifty Shades of Grey is a pioneer at turning fanfic into cash-money. This was lazy not-even-trying-for-a-fanfic. But as log as the narrating character had to actually back down from Rachel like a sane individual or something, that knocks it down a peg on the annoying Suedar, right? (This narrator seems to be the lovechild of Bella Swan and Shinji Ikari in terms of uselessness...)

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  17. Oh man. I never read this book, so you totally had me going there right up until the 'Tobias dies and is brought back to life with the power of love'. XD

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  18. As a girl, I boycotted the Animorphs CYOA so I totally believed the fake summary too!

    BTW, someone should submit some excerpts from Alternamorphs to this CYOA Tumbler dedicated to violent death scenes: http://youchosewrong.tumblr.com/

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  19. Minor nitpick, but aren't the things in the valley the crabby broccoli-loving Mercora, or am I completely misremembering the book?

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    Replies
    1. Could be the Mercora. Could be the Nesk. We never find out, because the author has an aversion to actually explaining things.

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    2. Haha, good point

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  20. Hey, guys. I just realized we haven't had a Facebook status gag for a while now. I think I'm going through withdrawal.

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  21. So Ify... are we getting a supersized Tobias fanfic adventure?

    Pretty, pretty please?

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    Replies
    1. YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES

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    2. So many eyes. All watching you in the night.

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    3. That says YES not EYES. I don't get the joke

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    4. Oh SINIZ, you crazy creature. Shine on. Just tone it down.

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    5. Aw. Thanks Owl Nutter. But i still don't get it :(

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  22. Anyone find it odd that although we're more than three-quarters done the series, all of the concepts (The David trilogy, Megamorphs 2, The Attack)recycled into this book come from the first half of the book series? Either the author was working on really limited information about future volumes, if all the ghostwritten books were being written more or less simultaneously, or this is one seriously delayed book...

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